1. Since it’s now been confirmed that some of the burned bodies found after the tragic events of October 7th were Hamas members and not Israeli civilians Hamas member Badr The Baker has formally requested if Israel could stop referring to his dramatically failed gluten free walnut bread with goat cheese filling as a ‘baby’

2. Zelensky was trying to connect gas pipes under the sea to the Hamas tunnels in Gaza to clandestinely tell them to please release the hostages so the world’s attention can revert back to Ukraine, but was scooped up by an Israeli nuclear submarine and dropped off in Odessa. The submarine captain called Zelensky a self-hating Jew and Zelensky called the Israeli submarine captain a shameless stingy Scotsman (based on his heavy Middle Eastern Scottish accent and fiery red hair) because he didn’t even want to give Zelensky one nuclear bomb. ‘What does the world care if you deny you have 90 nuclear bombs or 89?’ But the Israeli Scotsman went ‘Frrrrrrrreeeedoooom’ and submerged. And had to fight hard for that freedom seconds later cause he was the only dude in a skirt in a submarine with about 100 guys who watch IDF hotties dance on Tik Tok and there is no relief.

3. Hezbollah artillery unit 666 was so tired of Hezbollah being called Iran’s puppet that they launched a rocket at Iran, but once over Syria the American army there shot it down thinking it was an ISIS rocket accidentally heading in their direction and ISIS profusely apologized and sent them two barrels of oil wrapped in the skin of young virgin, well, not strictly technically a virgin, but she died young. The Americans thanked them and said they had always wanted to have a Persian rug in their tent. Hezbollah artillery unit 666 has meanwhile been reimbursed for the crappy rocket by the American firm that supplied most of the parts

4. Biden says Hamas members should unionize to avoid pressure from management to work overtime on Saturdays

5. On Monday Costa Rica let Nikki Haley know they don’t have a standing army and if she could please spare them when she will invade every country on earth on the first day in the Oval office and she responded: ‘You guys don’t have an army?’ Some time Tuesday afternoon Costa Rica was occupied by the South Carolina coast guard and every man and woman of military age was promptly drafted and issued a weapon paid for with US tax dollars and manufactured by a company Nikki Haley holds shares in. Zelensky has requested if he could borrow them. Those are just 5 stories underhighlighted in this week’s news due to the world’s new favorite guessing game: am I watching the movie Saw XXII the ultimate baby limb goo factory or is it just that oversized burning olive tree garden again?