If you want to conquer the heart of a Polish girl keep these pointers in mind:

  • Polish girls tend to be Catholic, so if you want to make a big impression take her to a church on the first date
  • You will win a lot of brownie points if you know all the details about the Katyn massacre. That’s a brutal event in Polish history. The Soviet murdered thousands of Polish officers. She will probably not know anything about this or Polish history in general, but she will be impressed that you know
  • Poland had a right wing Blut und Boden government prior to World War II. The Poles were actually convinced they could crush Germany if it were to come to war. Best not to mention this.
  • They are far more impressed by money than muscles so consider having more lucrative activities than going to the gym
  • You can be so ugly movie directors routinely ask you to star in some horror movie. If you have money she will look at you as if Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp managed to have a child together.
  • Don’t learn Polish. She may seem impressed if you do, but she will just think you are trying too hard. There is also not much money in learning Polish so it’s also an indication you spend way too much time not making money.
  • Promise her a life in the west.
  • Study the facial expression of the Terminator and copy it.
  • Don’t be rude, but don’t be too nice either. Eastern Bloc ladies are allergic to pushovers.
  • Get them flowers, but give them in a sloppy, nonchalant way. Act as if you know flowers are dumb. It will make you look like a super masculine guy who is finally trying to show a bit of feminine side because she is so special.
  • Tell her Poland lost almost all its intellectuals during World War II. It will make her feel stupid and a little offended. Just so she doesn’t start seeing you as weak or too eager to please her
  • Don’t talk. Grunt. Nod. Let her do the talking. Never be impressed by anything she says.
  • Kiss her on the first date.
  • Don’t marry her unless you hate yourself.

Dating a Polish girl is like trying to drink a bottle of Ouzo. We are all tempted at least once in our lives, but only the silliest of men repeat it.

Oh, if it wasn’t clear by now: this is an ENTIRELY satirical post.

If you want to date a Polish girl you will have to just try your luck and find out what she is like and if the two of you are compatible.

zuzi en ik

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