I use the word ‘idiot’ in its original meaning. When I think of the word idiot I do not necessarily imagine a dumb person. I don’t even believe in dumb people. I do know people without curiosity, without passion and with a care about something other than themselves exist. Those are idiots to me. People who have been given conscious life and only use it to seek personal pleasure. My biggest regret in life has two components. The first component is that am so generous I don’t discriminate. I am generous to nice people and am nice to… idiots. The second component is that am angry at myself for wanting to be liked by people who are pretty much worthless pieces of shit apart from the fact that they are human and I respect all human life. They’re human, but they haven’t done anything with their humanity. They are that guy in the parable of the talents who chose to bury his talent in the garden. I basically regret having so little respect for myself that I am generous to people like that and that am so silly and small in my own eyes that I wanted to be liked by people who are not capable of liking anyone other than themselves.

I don’t regret lending books to people who are not idiots, obviously. I am just musing about the people I lent books to who took my generosity for granted and have zero intention of ever returning those books. It’s ridiculous how much time it took me to finally see that some people are just takers, thiefs and selfish opportunists. And am not going to lower my own value even more by chasing them and begging them to return my books. I see those books as a small price to pay to reveal those people’s characters.

I have made this vow before, but I will publicly repeat it: I will never lend books to people ever again. If I want someone I like to read a book I will just gift it to them, but I will never ever lend another book and risk not getting it back.

Am also slowly seeing this need to be liked fall apart. And that does feel liberating.