1. They can’t be together. They often happen to meet after a bad break-up with someone else, but they are now not really ready for love and they are not a good match anyway. They either hate each other or they try to be just friends or colleagues.
  2. They are together. Just when it seems like they will never be together and hooking up would be the worst idea since Napoleon invaded Russia, they have a night of drunk sex and they are together.
  3. They are not together. Complications. An ex shows up. The inlaws are enraged. One of them cheats. The male protagonist gets his balls bitten off by an medium sized Yorkshire. Just, something happens and it looks like they won’t be together. They are in hell again, but the viewer is let to believe that, hey, maybe it’s just for the best.
  4. They are together again. And this time it’s for real. The ex leaves. The inlaws soften up. The cheating is cleared up as one big stupid mistake. The male protagonist’s balls grow back, etc. And you get that feeling like your stomach is one big throbbing ball of molten cheese longing to be head over heels in love and making love and babies all night with the hottest stranger you can dream up.

This movie falls into that category. Although the male protagonist’s balls are not bitten off by a dog this time. In this movie the culprit is a meat eating octopus. Ok, no, the male protagonist survives the movie intact, but he does get his heart broken in phase 3, the complications phase.

Honestly, the only reasons I kept watching this movie were:

I was in a bus from Prague to Bratislava in the night, and still shivering from selling books in the cold at market for two days in a row, 9 hours a day, more if we count getting to the market and back to the hotel.

I couldn’t focus on anything more profound.

The second reason, I have an Achilles heel and it’s called feminine beauty. Catherine Zeta Jones is attractive in this movie. Not overly, but enough to keep watching. And important: the male protagonist did not get on my nerves which is a plus.

The story was shitty and formulaic, and the actors did their best, but with almost nothing to work with, they had little room to shine.

Tiny positive points: the female protagonist is the one who gets promoted at work, not the guy. The guy starts working as her nanny and takes care of the kids in a nice way, although this could have been portrayed in a less sloppy way, I didn’t really feel the connection between him and the kids all that much.

To go against cliches the woman is the sports fan, not the guy. And she’s much older than he is, which is nice. Since MILF is such a popular porn genre I suspect it’s more the young guys who want to sleep with older women than the other way around.

Most stupid parts: the dates that Sandy, the female character, has are outright silly and not funny at all.

At some point in our future movies like these will carry the mandatory label:

This movie can seriously fuck up your realistic expectations of what a love life and sex life really is like. Possible symptoms are nostalgia, nausea, painful desires, misunderstandings, dangerously high expectations, a need for drama and complications, dissatisfaction and sudden feelings of boredom when looking at one’s own life.

I’m considering never watching any movie like this ever again, because it’s pretty much the same thing as stuffing yourself with two kilo of sweets and still feeling hungry and empty afterwards.

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