‘We have the most beautiful women.’

It’s 2005 and this is the very first time in my life I have heard a Slovak girl say anything.

We’re in Ljubljana for a summer course of Slovene, and there’s a colorful international gathering.

The teacher has just asked us: ‘What is special about your country?’

And the Slovak girl in the group says, without blinking, that her country has the most beautiful women.

At the time I thought that was a bit odd, I was even mildly shocked.I’m highly allergic to any sign of arrogance, but there was not a speck of arrogance to what this girl was saying. She said it as though it were the most established fact in the history of facts.

At the same time I thought that it couldn’t possibly be true. Women are beautiful everywhere.

At the time I had absolutely no idea I would one day go and live in Slovakia. I think I wasn’t really planning to leave Belgium behind at the time. Perhaps I had some vague idea about living in the US, Slovenia or Russia, who knows, I don’t remember, but her answer got stuck in my head.

Is it true?

Not completely, no. Ukranian, Russian and Serbian women are also total knock-outs. But yes, Slovak women certainly make the top five, easily.

And yes, of course I can’t say anything truly valid about some 3,000,000 individuals, but,  I don’t know, this is based on my observations and if you don’t like it, then don’t fvcking read it, ok? Thank you.

Here goes, in general:

They are quite dominant, so if you want to get them, you will have to be more dominant than they are.

They are wired to be attracted to troglodyte macho behavior.

A big car and an expensive suit will attract them more easily than anything else.

The more books you read, the less chances you have with them. Stop reading immediately, cancel your subscription to DennikN, SME and Tyzden (= the so called quality press here in Slovakia) and get a gym subscription. Preferably from the fitness chain called Golem so you can learn about maffia practices whilst pumping iron. Here’s the website: http://www.golemclub.sk/

The more you actually listen to them, the less chances you have with them. Interrupt them, don’t let them finish sentences. Use their insecurities against them. Basically, grab them by the hair and mop the floor with them. They’ll be grateful for the favor.

They are mostly looking for a steady provider. I asked a 30-year old woman what she looks for in a guy and she says: if he’s paying of a mortgage, because that shows responsibility and a long-term commitment.

It helps if you consume a lot of alcohol, because this will remind them of their father. On a subconscious level they are extremely sad for not being able to connect with their father, so the more you look like their father the better.

Feelings scare them. Their fathers TOTALLY SUCKED at showing feelings, so if a guy shows feelings this confuses the woman and she has no idea what to do with that, it’s not on the charts of what a male should be like.

It helps if you are big. You can be fat, you just need to be big, not so much muscled, just big. These women are still looking for superficial signs of security.

Slovak society is all about appearances. How things and people look are more important than how things and people are in reality.

This is true for most societies of course. Facts do not matter. It’s the display of confident body language that matters. That’s why Donald Trump is the president of the United States and Bernie Sanders isn’t. Donald Trump provides confidence (rooted in lies, but that doesn’t matter) and Bernie Sanders provides hard facts. Bullshit, it’s all about how you make people feel, nothing else. People don’t care about facts, they want you to make them feel good about themselves.

The more you tell them, the more you will repell them.

They are looking for someone they can introduce to their parents and lady friends and be praised for.

They want to feel small, so insulting them actually helps. (Yes, they mistake feeling feminine for being dominated).

Yes, they look good. They have deep eyes that speak of thousands of years of suffering and surviving against all odds. They have a cold blooded look about them. They look a little like mermaids.

They have an uncanny ability to dress themselves in a smashing way, some more than others.

I suppose hunting clothes takes them a lot of time, energy and money, but looking good is part of what fuels them.

They are often very slender, have a good hip to waist ratio, partly because of genetics, partly because of the eating habits in this country. The heaviest meal is served around noon, and is always preceded by soup, which fills. They also work a lot and are more stressed than they ever realize, which burns calories. Most of them obsess about their weight and bodies.

They are extremely family oriented, they are much more keen to have children of their own than western women. They are looking for a mute patriarch they can cook for.

They want you to bring in cash, but in return they will wash your socks and they will even bake ‘kolaciky’ (biscuits, tartlets, etc) for you.

These women are uncommonly afraid of being perceived as abnormal, so the more of a walking, predictable cliché you are, the better.

Alternate between wearing sportsy clothes and tuxedos. You don’t have to display any real taste in clothing, because then they’ll just assume you’re gay, but just be very typical and try to be as unoriginal as possible. You have to fit a certain common denominator. Always have her parents in mind. How will it look when she takes you home and introduces you to her parents?

Do not learn to speak Slovak. This will diminish your chances. Why? Because it’s a sign of modesty, of making a step towards them, if you want them you have to display superiority by refusing to speak their language. They are very proud of their language and like to pretend it’s the most difficult language in the world. It most certainly is not, but they like to believe that. They also think that Slovakia is worthless, so if you are willing to learn Slovak you must be less than worthless, and these women are looking for value and superiority in a man. Do not learn Slovak if you want to seduce a Slovak girl.

Actually, DO NOT MAKE ANY EFFORT WHATSOEVER.

Remember, their fathers did not make any effort in the house hold either, these women are looking for someone to serve, avoid all signs that you are willing to serve them in any way. You’ll just confuse them otherwise.

Intermezzo:

 

The older generation (40 years old and above) is slightly different and often a lot more intellectual. Under communism people read a lot more books than they do know and a lot of slightly older Slovak women have read lots of Russian classics. This does something to a person of course and they are quite profound, sullen and mostly unhappy, but there’s a philosophical quality to them that western women in the same age category do not have. Older Slovak women can be very highly educated and very well read and uncompromised by capitalist propaganda which leads women to invest more in their bra collection than their brain.

In general women display very little initiative, but they will almost always say yes if you invite them to go and grab a coffee, even if they have a boyfriend or are married. What they look for on the surface in men, ultimately does not satisfy them, so, they will not want a relationship with you if you don’t provide the stereotype they need, but they will be interested in your being different, in you challenging them intellectually and giving them attention. They will not want to take you home, but they will appreciate the attention and the conversation.

In general the women are much more interesting, considerate, cultivated and thoughtful than the men. The men do make more money than the women, not because they are more talented or work harder, but because they display more confidence, but it’s the women that are the pillars of society.

The women themselves are very aware of the fact that women here are witty, charming, diplomatic, well-educated, etc. This makes them very insecure, because they think a guy can meet a knock-out woman every 5 minutes if he just goes and walks down Obchodna street. The men are spoiled and are mostly blind to the high quality of women in this country. Slovak men prefer booze, mountain climbing, the company of other men, smoking and talking (not actually playing) sports over women. Slovak men are – in my opinion- among the most boring in the world, but they are not as stupid or as disgusting as British, Russian or German tourists for example, compared to these they are actually polite, well-behaved, relatively modest and calm (sedated?).