If you’re serious about being in a relationship with a Slovakian woman, then this article is for you. If you want to have some horizontal ride in freak antropology, then you need this article or this one.

So, this kind of Slovakian lady is probably not on Tinder, and if she’s in a shopping mall, you’ll have to have Peter Sagan’s legs to catch her, because she’ll be storming through there faster than an armored SS division anno 1941. You also won’t hook up with her on a Saturday night with enough alcohol in her blood to make a Russian sailor bite the head off a living chicken (or do Russian sailors do this sober as well?).

Anyway, this lady you’ll have to spot in different settings. Perhaps marching against corruption. Maybe at a book reading. Perhaps in a yoga class, or taking a language course or maybe in the train reading a book or the newspaper DennikN. Don’t go lying in an ambush in a hedge in front of a tanning salon, a hairdresser or a waxing torture institute. Chances are she avoids those like young Republicans avoid condom machines in the bible belt of the US.

Characteristics of the high quality Slovakian woman:

– she reads, too bad if you don’t see the point of that, because you’ve just thrown a major source for chitchat that gets her in the mood straight out the window

– she’ll appreciate clever humor

– she won’t freak out if you show a feminine side

– she’ll still appreciate it if you dress well, but she’ll find it endearing if you don’t and look like a character that’s just got back from spending some time on the road with Kerouac

– you do have to bathe regularly, she’s not as superficially obsessed with appearances as her less intelligent barbie sisters, but some basic hygiene is non-negotioable

– you can drink alcohol, if you must, but please, don’t think for even one second consuming alcohol is some sort of achievement

– be passionate about something else than cars, sports, mountain climbing beer… Have a goal in life, care about something, please don’t give her the feeling that what she sees now is the same she’ll be seeing for the next 50 years…

– a sexual routine that carries any resemblance to a 2 minute treatment with an automatic toothbrush inserted the wrong bodily orifice and a snoaring bear falling asleep on her chest WILL MAKE HER LEAVE YOU FOR SURE or at least kill the light in her eyes, because these women are very loyal, Imperial Guard loyal…

– you don’t need to try and buy them with gifts, especially expensive gifts are suspect… You need to be original, make her something personal

– if you do buy her a gift, please do not tell her the price… That’s really a stinky slap in the face…

– the way to this woman’s heart is intellectual stimulus

– in this land of zombified fashionistas she feels DEEPLY insecure about the way she looks. I mean, she is beautiful, but when the others are marinating themselves in make-up and turning their eyebrows into something Michelangelo might have been proud of, she is feeding her mind. So please, make absolutely sure that she feels you really appreciate her beauty. Of course she knows your male brain registers all those looks-obsessed wasps on stelts in the Barbie-an horde, but she needs to know that she’s just as beautiful, especially from up close, since the Barbie-horde excels at visual deception to attract the dick with the biggest wallet.

– be original, be orginal, be original

– don’t take yourself to seriously

– she will love to hear your views on attitudes in Slovakia, she’s a very critical lady and she does love her country and would love to see it evolve into something more than a cosy aquarium for corrupt sharks and peaceful mountain valleys for drunk sheep

– respect her independence at all times, the more freedom you give her, the less likely she’ll ever push you away

– and if you want this woman to be particularly devoted to you – which they are prone to be anyway – PUSH HER TO GROW, her number one demand

They say the best wine comes from the most depleted ground, well, the same goes for Slovakia, the women who manage to go against the tide of the turbo-commercialized post-communist spirit over here are true gems

If your instincts react more lively to the bling bling golddiggers then of course you will have only one problem to solve: which one is hot enough to compensate for the humiliation of enslaving yourself to her?