Spoiler alert: this is not going to be a ‘nice’ post. Nature is cruel and nothing is more cruel than the bumpy human road to sexual intercourse.

One Slovak beauty described her fellow female nationals as: ‘fashion-slaved and instinct-driven girls’. Couldn’t have said it better.

An other Slovak beauty described the social climate in Slovakia with only one emphatically pronounced word: ‘primitive’.

Do you want to continue?

It can be worth it, but you’ll have to brace yourself for lots of bitch shields, shit tests, superficiality, materialism, cheap glamour and quite a bit of alcohol…

First, you’ll need to determine what kind of Slovak girl you’re dealing with. We would’t want to overgeneralize! We’ve been accused of trying to put Slovenky in y-shaped boxes. Not true! We treat every person as the uniquely flawed individual he or she undoubtedly is, but for the sake of brevity and overview, we did have to squeeze them in a couple of compartments in the big boat of Slovak women. Metaphorically speaking. There’s no huge boat floating along the Danube river filled with Slovak ladies.

  1. She’s hot, but intellectually vapid (The majority of Slovak women in the Bratislava old town at about 23.00, great place to improve your skills, if you’re a fashion designer or a shoe salesman) 

If she is hot and intellectually vapid, you will need to bring a lot of material wealth to the table. The top priority is a fancy car. As you will be providing lots of chauffeuring services for this girl in exchange for riding her, from time to time, while she’s still on her mobile posting selfies of her freshly painted toe nails. Don’t worry, your back or shoulders will not be in the shot, this lady is handy with a cam, if nothing else. If you want to save yourself a lot of trouble you can jerk off on her Instagram account, but am guessing you’ll want to explore the real deal.

When it comes to dating this girl you have to see yourself as a tool. How useful are you to her?

Can she show you off when you’re going clubbing with her friends?

Can she take you home to meet the parents without being embarrased?

Are you taller than her?

Do you make her feel safe? Can you kill a bear with your bare hands?

It helps to be covered in tattoos and to wear an American baseball cap that’s too small for your clean shaven head.

Are you dressed according to the latest fashion or are you at least three times as wide as her?

Can you walk like an obese monkey who fears his itchy balls risk bumping into his knees so he needs to keep his legs wide apart at all times? It’s trickier than you think! It’s the male version of the walking with ten inch heels challenge that women put themselves through. Practice at home and don’t start in winter, in the beginning it’s dangerous to try this on icy roads.

Try not to talk too much. Anything you say can and will be used against you. Try to be Zen. You know, just stare at stuff. Be eternally meditating. You can walk from H&M to Zara on to IKEA and, ow, I don’t know, any shop that doesn’t sell books, or be stuck in traffic driving her from the tanning salon to the waxing lady and you can be reaching Nirvana! Don’t overdo, because people might mistakes you for one of those live statues and throw coins at you. These might land in her blown up moisterized hair and be lost forever and give her a rash from a nickle allergy. Don’t go there…

Expect mostly questions dealing with your career. Not because she gives a damn about the latest developments in the rollercoaster world of accounting or underwriting for Swiss medical companies, but because she wants to make absolutely sure you have a steady income.

The big bonus: you can drink yourself to death. You can get wasted every single day. She doesn’t care as long as you don’t vomit on her or her phone. If you have to choose, go for her, but avoid the face.

Other benefits: She doesn’t eat much, but this kinda gets cancelled out by the amount of clothes and mechanic, I mean, cosmetic services she thinks she’s entitled to.

The safest way of dating this girl is by already being married to someone else. Lots of these girls have affairs with married men. Married men don’t take them too seriously and don’t follow them around like love-struck puppies and they provide security or the dream of security.

2. She’s very plain, but an intellectual giant

If you are kinda ok looking, treat her nicely and can have a coherent conversation about many different topics, she’s yours.

3. She’s hot and an intellectual giant

Skip this section.

You don’t stand a chance.

Ok, joking, joking (or just being polite, whatever you prefer).

You’ll need a decent career or to at least show that you are going some place good in life (read: something that leads to money), but you don’t need to display your wealth. She’ll correctly interpret this as small dick syndrome (SSS) or other insecure feelings. Your listening skills will be very appreciated and you will have to have your own opinion AND disagree with her, you know, to show you take her opinion seriously and are not just sucking up to her in the hopes of twiggling her clit later on.

The trickiest part is that you can’t fool this girl with fake confidence or silly displays of material success… (though material success is always appreciated). You will need to bring an original and unique personality to the table with insights in many different facets of human life.

I mean, there’s a reason why very intelligent women end up alone. The men can’t handle looking stupid next to them. If she’s very intelligent and she’s running out of time she may opt to let you believe you’re the smart one.

If you can hook up with one of these, you’ll be in heaven.

For a while, because you’re a guy, and you’ll end up fucking it up eventually anyway, but the two of you might have a nice ride.

4. She’s plain and intellectually vapid

Not sure if any God of any religion has ever been this cruel on any girl in Slovakia…

If yes…

Be nice to her when she tries to impress you with her PHD in pedagogy.

Feminists who mistakes this post for misogyny that has no root in reality who wish to burn me at the stake after reading this post can do so, but ONLY after spending at least one month in Slovakia and observing what goes on in this country from a front row seat, somewhere on a bench next to the entrance of a shopping centre like Eurovea. They do not need to suffer through the whole month if they can admit there’s some truth to this post before the end of the month.

Thank you and have a nice sexually satisfying night. Preferably with a Slovak woman, because, well, we wouldn’t be blogging about them if they didn’t also have redeeming qualties.

Heck, I married one myself. She’s on the couch next to me, watching the affair. No, not one of my affairs. THE affair. It’s a series starring an actor she’s infatuated with. Joshua Jackson. Don’t know him? Sure you do. Pacey from Dawson’s Creek.

Well, nevermind.

Book your Ryanair flight to Bratislava today and put a tuxedo in your bag. This post-habsburgian society still gets an erection from stiff formality. Kinda like English society, but without the cosy bookshops to flee away from all the keeping up appearances gymnastics.