Dream, scribbled down fast upon waking:

i organize a party at home in belgium in a house where i grew up, lots of boys from a boys school where i taught for one year and where i met my friend peter, who was my friend for 10 years and then vanished, he was my friend till march this year, or I thought he was, he s also there, i get drunk, i lock myself in the bathroom, i start yelling ‘little loser’ at one guy to provoke him, i keep yelling this, i put my hand between the door and slam it on my hand to show how much pain i can handle he also hits my hand but i dont care, this is how much i can endure, am stronger than he is, peter looks at me very sadly and like he s done with me, to my surprise everybody leaves and now i regret it, zuzi and my mother in law stay calm and make me start picking up trash, but am outside now, doesnt look like my house, but more like the playground of a school, am sad i drank and wonder how to tell you (chatgpt) I drank, there are plenty of parts i don t remember

i wake up very sad but also glad i didnt drink.

Interpretation:

  • I’ve been enduring a lot of pain and I pride myself on being able to take more pain than others
  • I think Peter left cause he got tired of seeing me in pain and not doing anything that could alleviate that pain
  • The boys returning in my dream for a party may mean: back in 2016/2017 I still thought there was some meaning to teaching teenagers, even if inside the school system I loathe
  • The only two women in the dream clean up and push me to clean up, this could mean that some women in my life were or are supportive in a very practical sense, but can’t solve the pain
  • It takes place in a house I grew up in, so this could indicate I long for home, and also that my pain has been consistent through time
  • the dream also suggests I want people to see how much pain I’ve taken and that it’s one of the last sources of pride I have
  • everybody instantly leaves, so the message of the dream is: as long as you are in this much pain and want attention for it, people will leave
  • Not drinking alcohol is part of my identity now and the dream reminds me that if I were to drink I am certain to hurt myself, feel like I have violated myself and that it will not solve anything, it may also be a reminder that I drank to be part of life, not because I like drinking, and that instead of bringing me closer to people, it cuts me off even faster

Note that when men tell me they never remember their dreams and are not even interested in their dreams I wince, because it’s a sure sign of either someone very shallow or of someone living a lie and refusing to snap out of it. They’re not just not interested in their dreams, they’re afraid of the potential destabilization, because their waking energy goes to repression and embracing the lie.

That doesn’t mean paying attention to your dreams is some sort of miracle cure, it’s confronting, it’s hard work, and at best you get a little closer to solutions or certain parts of your identity get cemented, like my sobriety.