Maybe I have two sides to me.

One side craves to be able to afford all the luxury in the world, to look fancy, to look rich, to have ‘sophisticated’ friends who own horses and have au pairs from Thailand or the Philippines, can tell you what to invest in, go to events for the influential and affluent. You get the picture.

The other side is punk. To go directly against this materialistic culture of ours in which things and status are valued way more than people. That side of me wants to live in a large house or flat where you would immediately imagine some freedom loving anti-establishment half lunatic lives.

What could really make me orgasm all day and all night long would be to be a billionaire who goes to above mentioned fancy shmancy events in a Nirvana T-shirt and an old pair of yeans. Not to shock the stiffs. What do they care in the end? But to feel ultimate freedom and have the taste of endless possibilities in my mouth.

A normal human life is limiting. There’s not much I can do other than what am already doing. I can’t pack my bags and go hiking along the Ho Chi Minh trail. It would be a highly irresponsible venture and a financial bloodletting. This is just a simple example.

I am in a small box and I have to build the best circumstances in that box. If I succeed beyond my wildest dreams I may even be able to jump out of the box into a considerably bigger box. But that may just be a dream.

What am trying to say is that am tired of Bratislava, of Slovakia, of the Slovak mentality and Slovak reflexes, am tired of Belgium, am tired of traveling between those two countries, am tired of not being in a satisfying relationship, am tired of being scared, am tired of writing things that do not resonate, am tired of having to avoid mirrors out of self-disgust, am tired of not having much passion in my days, tired of being suppressed by the tame energies of most of the people around me, tired of searching for guidance in books, etc etc etc

Above all am tired of trying to sell myself to people whose whole persona is built around worshipping the God of Capitalism and adhering to all his commandments (thou shalt look picture perfect at all times, thou shalt only be nice to people with enough status, thou shalt buy any expensive product on the market that promises to make you look more perfect, thou shalt put up with any bullshit at work as long as it gets you promoted, etc)

Am tired of wanting to be like that, tired of wishing I was compatible with this cultural and economic hegemony. The ripe fruit of this world seem to go only to those considered ‘pretty’. The photogenic giddy and greedy.

And am not even really tired. Am still overloaded with energy. I do not know how to invest that boundless energy in ways that would lead to satisfying outcomes. Yes, my energy levels are always peaking, but… time is running out.