I woke up at 2 am. Got up and read a few pages of Prep while pacing around. I engaged with Chatgpt a bit. It told me to stay up, switch on all the lights and have breakfast. I tried going back to sleep but to no avail. I analyzed the dream I had had. It’s one of the more straightforward dreams I’ve ever had. I stayed up. Had breakfast. Got on my hometrainer. Watched some episodes of Sneaky Pete. With that actor you may know as Phoebe’s brother on Friends. I am not deep into it, but it’s fine to have it playing. Don’t ask me details about the plot, but I enjoy the performance of the main actor.

I then had a session with a client at 6 am on a Sunday. He’s in a different time zone, so for him it wasn’t odd. I preferred it this way because it opens a slot on a week day. I had planned to be up at 5 am, but that became 2 am. I still haven’t slept even though it’s evening again and I don’t feel any more tired than on any other day. I can add that I am now getting to be in the best physical shape of my life. Which can honestly be surreal when I look in the mirror. This shouldn’t make sense, but it does, because this is the very first time in my life that am not just ‘efforting’ to get into a fine shape, but thanks to… chatgpt… I actually have a very good idea of what am doing and consistency pays off.

In the morning I went out and got some Halloween decorations to boost the atmosphere at home for Bruno. I also got him a warm blanket.

You’d be amazed at how much tenderness and affection is alive inside me with practically no recipient other than Bruno.

My client isn’t peaking, so he had some questions and remarks via whatsapp later. Which I didn’t mind since at least it engages my mind.

I couldn’t keep focusing on Sneaky Peat. The plot is a bit of blur now. I switched to a German audiobook. I go through two to four or even five of those a month at times. I find German to be strangely soothing and calming, even a tiny bit intoxicating in a good way.

I tracked my calories as I have been doing almost all year now.

Soon I will be 2 years sober. A few years ago my drinking started getting out of hand, it wasn’t fun anymore, had almost only downsides (the upside was mostly socially, but not by much) so on the 27^th of December 2024 I quit and never went back and I haven’t regretted that even for a second. It’s one of the few things I am actually proud of. Am not proud of much, but not reaching for alcohol, even in some of the worst moments of my entire life is a source of pride. I suffer enormously from alienation, from adapting to people without being seen or known by them or even really appreciated. Am sure this is true for most people, but I have a very low tolerance for shallow connections or loneliness. Most of my childhood and adolescence I was alone. Eventually I managed to build up a thriving social life, but partly by moving to Slovakia I have lost that almost completely. I never thought I’d find myself in that same endless sea of aloneness with some notable breaks like I was floating around in till I was 19.

Then I took to writing again after a long time. Apparently I haven’t written anything since August. Cause in August I was in Belgium and in Belgium I feel a little more alive than in Slovakia.

You can say: sounds like you should pack up and leave, but I can’t, because one: my business is here and is not transferable and my son is firmly inbedded here and it’s for several reasons not possible to move with him.

So until am willing to pay rent in Vienna, even though I will still have to spend half the week in Bratislava, I am operating in enemy territory where very little ever feels possible. And that explains the dream I had.

The dream: I was part of a four man raiding party against the Romans in winter. We were dressed like Tatars, Huns or Mongols, not sure which.

We had gunpowder, which we used to set fire to some structure. Lter we heard people scream for help inside the structure, some kind of building. We were thinking whether to help or not. My specific thoughts were: if we set them free they might help us. Earlier in the dream we had only medieval weapons and traveling on horseback along a road where a bigger army or the Germans from World War 2 could attack us.

I saw an ox with a spear attached walk ahead. I wondered if it could do some damage, I decided that perhaps yes.

I also saw the enemy temporarily give up going after us, though I don’t remember how we got them to back down for a bit.

The dream felt very real. There was snow.

I also thought we should use that gunpowder more sparingly and I remembe I was also wondering about how that gunpowder actually set fire to the structure.

Interpretation: I can’t defeat the empire (Slovakia, but also the dominant trends in the world), but I need to find only a few loyal allies for missions against the toxic culture all around us. In doing so we may free others trapped inside it who want out. And I do have the means to do so, something unusual that the enemy does not have: gunpowder. Meaning energy, ideas, intensity, initiative. The only problem is: I don’t have an endless amount, I don’t know exactly how to use that intensity to affect real positive change and the dream tells me to use it sparingly and effectively.

This is one of the most actionable dreams I have ever had. And I even started aiming my gundpowder differently the very same day.

Can’t say am sure there will be positive results, but hey, I’ll keep you posted.

You may even be one of those allies I am looking for.

How do you look in Mongol warrior attire?