I was asked to visualize my pain.

It looked like big turquoise stone.

Very heavy and very cold. Sometimes the color shifted to red. It was flickering.

The therapist asked what the stone wanted.

The stone wanted to kill me.

Why?

The stone said I deserved it. And that everything would be better. Everything would be solved.

What would be solved?

This horrible cycle of always wanting something, always desiring something or someone.

What else did the stone want?

The stone turned into a cannonball and wanted to be launched with a cannon.

It then wanted to smash through walls, have some building crumble and then it would land in an oasis. A literal oasis. Like a tropical island.

Then it would melt and turn into a lake. It would then ask me to come and swim in it and bring lots of people.

The water was honey thick and it wasn’t so easy to swim in it.

The stone also told me I should melt and connect to more people.

So I seem to be convinced that I need to accomplish a lot before I can allow myself to feel at peace.

I struggled with severe feelings of depression for the rest of the day and went to bed at an unusually early hour. To my great surprise I fell asleep.

I meditated a little bit before falling asleep. I woke up at about 3 am and meditated some more. Fell asleep again (again to my surprise, cause lately I can’t sleep so easily, the pain keeps me awake, keeps me tossing and turning).

I will write more about the meditation in a seperate post.

Am writing this knowing full well that the internet does not care about me or this article or this blog. This blog only gets hits because of some of the sex stuff. Am thinking about migrating all the sex stuff to a completely new website that would be ONLY about sex. Instead of having this weird mix of blog posts on this jumbled, messy, erratic, topsy turvy hotch-potch of a site.

Am writing it for me and maybe two other people.

And am even ok with that.

Fuck my desires, fuck my wanting, fuck my lacking.

Fuck it all.

FUCK IT ALL.