1. That ideal vision you have of yourself does not match reality, and you know it. And you don’t see a way to ever get there. Also, looking back at your past, what you did and experienced is not what that ideal self should have done or should have experienced. You’re not where you want to be in life. Your blueprint for your life does not match your reality and you don’t believe you can’t do anything about it.  You do not feel in control of your present, nor your future.
  2. You have soaked up all sorts of rules (introjects) that do not fit you. You don’t even know where you got all those rules from. Heck, you are not even aware that that you have all kinds of internal rules that you picked up from your parents and other authority figures that you stick to, even though these rules cause you pain, again and again.
  3. You are stuck following patterns that make you re-experience some fundamental trauma. All humans do this, we are in a repetitive trauma loop. Always re-experiencing variations of the same defining, initial, wound. Someone always ends up with a partner who is violent, someone always ends up with a sleazy business partner, someone always build up a lot of capital only to lose it suddenly, again, and again, and again. Unaware that the pattern exists, where it comes from, or why the same events seem to pop up out of nowhere, unasked for. The truth is that we all repeat our traumas. Th
  4. Because you repeat the relationship dynamic you had with your parents with every person that you meet, especially if these people have some form of authority. You can imagine how problematic this can be, to only have this dynamic as a rulebook and then to use that same dynamic for EVERY relationship you enter into.
  5. You have this serious disorder that makes you notice what happens in the world, you have the unfortunate ability to spot which political trends are going on, how these affect the world and people everywhere, and you notice that almost nobody else cares and that most people are blissfully unaware that a war 2,000 miles away from their doorstep DOES have an impact on their lives as well. You have the regrettable realization that there’s no such thing as not being involved in politics. There’s just playing poltics the right way, and playing politics very badly, by thinking that you don’t need to be involved in politics. The political game is being played, everyone is a player, and everyone’s affected. You have the silly defect that celebrity and sports news bores the hell out of you.
  6. You’ve lost all hope of ever feeling sexually satisfied. All those crazy fantasies in your head won’t ever happen, you think.
  7. The economic system is rigged and though you don’t really know how to explain it, you just know that some people are getting infinitely more out of it than you ever will. What you are doing only pays for the bare necessities of life and some mild entertainment once in a while.
  8. You’re not getting any younger, but at the same time you seem not to reap the benefits of the experience and authority that may come with maturity.
  9. The day runs you, you’re not in charge of yourself, and when you say you’re going to do something, you don’t do it, in stead you do mostly silly stuff that you know won’t get you anywhere.
  10. You say you want to do things, but you end up doing different things, this has broken the trust bond you could have with yourself. You don’t trust your own words, your own decisions. Something is leading you, but it certainly isn’t you. You’re not in the driver’s seat of your own life and it fills you with shame.
  11. You happen to almost exclusively meet people who simply are not on your wave length, they have other concerns, perhaps even a completely different perception of reality, they are not interested in what you have to say and you are bored out of your wits with the little they have to say. You feel like you’ve just crashed on earth and you’re hoping to fix your space craft so you can get the hell off of this superficial ball of human drudgery, full of people with opinions and reflexes that they are not even aware they have and have no clue as to where they got those those opinions. The world is full of people who completely fail to do some metathinking and to come to understand how their personality was formed and how subjective their ‘knowledge’ about the world is.
  12. When you wake up in the morning the feeling that best describes your mood is same old shit, different day.
  13. You feel like a fraud in the way you present yourself to others and even people who are close to you. Although people are superficially nice to you, there’s nobody around that makes you come alive. You feel like you’re locked into a bubble and the real you is very different from the person you send out the door every day to scrap some kind of living together.

And, obviously, you’re not getting enough sunlight, your food is spiked with all kinds of chemicals, you drink female hormones that leak into the water supply, you are exposed to neurotoxins every day, thanks to the soaps and detergents you use, and exhaust fumes, your sperm is struggling as much as your brain cells and your gut flora goes through a holocaust every 30 days.

Smile.

It’s going to get worse before it gets better.

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