Cocaine.

Nothing could have prepared me for the effect.

Imagine all of sudden being filled with a warm, solid self-confidence. There is no more self-doubting noise in the background of your head. All of a sudden you can do what you are capable of. Self-doubt makes me a bit hesitant when I have to speak French for example, but under the influence of cocaine I was suddenly fluent, every word I had ever learnt, just popped into my head, everything I knew was more readily available. Like the archive of my memory was now fully staffed and run by the most efficient German archiving division ever.

The rush of it was amazing, I cannot compare it to anything else. There are few things that beat this feeling. Like if you are writing and you get your first story published or the first time you get to have sex with a woman you have been trying to seduce for some time and are in love with, things like that are still better, but boy, no, I never thought it could be that good.

And that is exactly why I never use it anymore. I was lucky I have no easy access to this substance, because the addictive qualities are a second thing that I thought were exaggerated. They are NOT exaggerated. I have never had such strong cravings for any substance then right after the second or third time of cocaine. I was lucky that I never did it more than 5, because I think it would have killed me if I had had easy access to it.

I was a student and I am talking about a period in my life, about ten years ago.

It is incredible destructive, and not worth it all. The downsides far outweight the upsides, but to be completely honest, it was very revealing to experience such self-confidence, even if it lasted only a little while. It made me think that we are capable of so much more, if we were not so afraid of looking stupid all the time.