Started working with clients at 8.00. Stopped at 14.30. Very different types of people. Languages used: English, Dutch, Slovak. In a break I went to Lidl and got enough groceries to not have to shop anymore till 2026. A client gave me a whiskey bottle for Christmas. Good for visitors, cause I have been sober for one year. Smelling it and admiring the bottle was enough sensation for me. One session I had face to face in an office. Ten minutes by bus. Then I got Bruno, 20 minutes by bus. We went home by bike. I made spaghetti with lots of vegetables for myself then. Invited a father with his son to come over so Bruno had a playmate. I also invited a Slovak client and his Indonesian girlfriend. Atmosphere: games, candles, food, music, talk.
Was in peak physical pain the whole day, though nobody can tell. Legs, back, neck are on fire or feel like I’ve been stabbed with long needles. It’s incredible how much you can still do even in more than medium level physical pain. This doesn’t even feel like a busy day, but at night there is no more distraction so that physical pain hits me with all its weight. There is no explanation for this pain, other than it’s a reaction to my feeling trapped in a life that is not intense enough for me – several factors force me to live at a much, much slower pace than I like – and so my body is in open rebellion against me. Am so used to it that I barely think about it anymore. My body is crawling with pain, but life goes on nonetheless. And since I can still move and there are no visible signs of being in pain, nobody treats me like someone who is in need of any extra care of attention.

The way I deal with it, is this: this pain is telling me to change my life and as long as I don’t, it will keep hitting me and will keep worsening.

It’s already accomplished one huge thing: this pain has made it clearer than ever what kind of life I can accept and what I can’t accept. Since stuff that bothers me bothers me extra hard in combination with this pain, I have been stripped myself of everything and everyone I dislike.

But I can’t delete anymore, the purge is complete.

So now instead of deleting more bullshit, I am ready to start adding the good stuff.