21.11.2025

Tomorrow it will be three years since we last saw each other. In 2022 I drank Ayahuasca and the spirit of Ayahuasca told me we’d finally find a way to be together in 5 years, but my second, way heavier Ayahusaca experience in 2027, didn’t tell me that, and basically showed me I wasn’t fully ready to be with a woman that can really fullfill me.

If you had a role then it was to point at my wounds, make me realize my reality and my inner world were a complete mismatch. Then you left and you didn’t give me any plan. You only showed the gigantic gaping wounds in my soul. There is a lot of value in that. Am not angry at you. I understand you married into financial stability and easily acceptable societal status. You married into what I deduce is a safe, conformist story. One that makes you feel fine, but doesn’t make you fly. Am not into fine. I am into flying. Yes, that risks flying too close to the sun. Yes, that ensures I often suffer to an excruciating degree, but it’s the only way I can accept to ‘do life’.

So I broke you cup. Together with my son. I didn’t explain what we were doing. I only said I didn’t like the cup. I held up a thick blanket to shield him from any swirling debris. It’s not true I didn’t like the cup. I picked it carefully. It was a beautiful cup. It had its own spot, just for you, for when you came over. One of the symbols in your Queendom.

And now it’s broken. Now it’s gone.

And since I can’t accept life without a Queen at least as radiant, as vibrant, as energetic, as refined, as delicate, yet strong, as you, I will one day buy a different cup, a similar one, for a new Queen.

One I will be able to give a fully integrated William, not a fragmented William, with each piece burning with intensity, but ultimately like a magnificent ship, but shot full of holes with a captain who one day does everything right and the next day orders the crew to scuttle the ship mid-journey.

You had to be so special and beautiful and breath-taking and infinitely able to match my mind, even with your lively, audacious, lightning fast, sense of humor sprinkled on top, or the pain would never have been enough. You were always a factory of adjectives for me, cause no words let me capture the vastness of you. That vastness that was the only thing big enough to plug the cracks in me. Of course, no person should be the mortar to hold a person’s bricks together, no matter how impressive the result could have been.

I can’t go so far as to say thank you, because it would be like thanking a surgeon for cutting me open to fix my heart and then she walks away and she says she sincerely hopes I will be able to fix it myself.

You showed me where I had work to do.

And the intensity of the pain was and is equal to the urgency of the work I have to do.

No pain, no insight gained.

You’re a sword at my back. I can lean into it and die or have it make me run forward to a more bearable reality, more in line with who I am on the inside.

If there had been no you, I’d be fatter, I wouldn’t have quit alcohol, I wouldn’t have developed an obsession with understanding how the human world today operates (stuff for an entirely different book called ‘The Predator System’), I would never have realized what type of woman truly ignites me, I would still be going for affairs with nice women who do not ignite me, and I would from time to time still be going on miserable dates with women who are a completely mismatch, because without you I would never have learned what I actually need in a woman.

So was it worth it?

Am not ready to say that.

Maybe one day I will look back and I will mutter: okay, yes, only this half a decade of being thrown into a meat grinder for the soul, could have ever saved me.

The thought I had after running into you by accident for the first time was: if I don’t see this woman again, I will die.

I have often thought the opposite. All those times when not being with you was one of the main ingredients in the cocktail that made me long for death.

But maybe this odd prophecy may yet turn out to be true.

Maybe if I hadn’t met you I’d indeed be dead.

I wanted all of you, all the time, but as the Rolling Stones sang:

You don’t always get what you want, you get what you need.

Universes of joy were lost with you. That’s something I will never be able to have now, not with you. That is lost forever. I feel the pain of amputated ‘us’. A pair that could have been and could have rocked my world.

Maybe I will have to go all the way to Lebanon to find someone like you.

If this pain can get me to take my own life, it can just as surely push me way, way beyond my normal comfort zone.

The reaction to you has to surpass the pain. Death is the most extreme on the negative side.

I have never fully considered what extreme reaction lies on the positive side.

By breaking your cup I have announced to myself:

I am about to find out.