Only your hands are big enough to cover my wounds.  

I wake up with a panic attack
My heart is racing
like a party of Sioux horse archers
on a buffalo hunt

I don’t hear your feet go click-clack
Am alone, looking for an anchor, pacing
head tucked in like an embattled German soldier marches
my stomach feels hit by something blunt

I deliberate
Should I also show her the parts where am cracked?
Will that make her hesitate?
If she sees the broken pieces unpacked

I should not be fake
We can’t have only the icing on the cake
You pull the arrows out of my gut
In two minutes you’ve lifted me out of this desperate rut

You want no credit
For the way you let me benefit
Will you ever know
How rich the harvest is of the seeds you sow?

I bring you the fruits of labor enabled by your spirit
You restore me, bit by bit
I love how you also let me plug the leaks in your keel
How naked we’ve become, with so little left to peel

I had batteries, but no wheels
I had a steering wheel, but no fuel
You are my crown jewel
Together we storm challenges like seasoned Navy Seals

My affection for you may overwhelm
we navigate this majestic galleon together at the helm
There is this world of us where we are light and free to be and feel
Every day you are my most nutritious meal

You make all romantic cliches into accurate prophecies
In you I find completion and ultimate release
Only to you I can surrender
You let me be me, inspired and tender

My lighthouse
My Muse
My six foot fay
who keeps the demons at bay
whom I lovingly infuse
and lust to arouse
You kissed the frog into a prince
washed away my sins
I am so grateful for you
love resonates in everything I do

I cannot help but feeling my road always led to your arms
I finally understand life when our love in me swarms

So what happened this morning?

I panicked.

Fear of never being more succesful than I am now. Fear of being a shitty father. Fear of having messed up as a father cause I could not be in a functioning, harmonious, lasting relationship with his mother. Fear of losing income. Fear of staying in place. Fear of being alone. Fear of waking up with nobody to hug (specifically you). Fear of not getting what I need. Fear of never being happy.

You defused this bomb with four or five short messages. How we all have moments like that. That as long as I love Bruno I can’t be a shitty father. That am working on my success every day. That I can’t expect to do more.

I immediately calmed down. You helped me snap out of it. You said we all have those demons.

There are times life feels like an endless struggle.

I don’t remember the last time I was completely happy.

2007 perhaps.

A few moments here and there later. Before worries, worries, worries took over.

This in spite (or maybe because of???) an impressive consumption of motivational content and rather specialized psychology books.

Maybe thinking is the disease.

The worst of it passed when I started working. And telling your and your reactions nipped the onslaught of doubts, fears and insecurities entirely in the bud.

Living alone is not so great for me.

As long as I use the time and space I have for work it’s all good, but as soon as I let my thoughts get the best of me I feel like am in a besieged castle (and we call this our chateau) with the walls crumbling all around me and the fear gets so bad I’d rather not exist.
Maybe without this fear I would not always feel so energized to create, to work, to share and to love.

Maybe I have to accept that side of me.

The side of me that experiences life as a nightmarish trap.