My most important companion on this life’s journey, woman who holds the keys to me,

I will write you one handwritten letter a day now, on the back of an image that means something to me. Yesterday was my older therapist’s birthday. I do not contact him outside of our sessions. I prefer it when my clients do the same. Cause a therapist and a client are not friends. It’s good for the therapist and the client when the therapist remains a bit shrouded in mystery. You were out in Vienna last night. Perhaps you’re still sleeping. It’s about 8 am. I’m listening to something in German. And am trying to get files out of my old laptop, but’s it’s so slow that it’s not easy. I ate half a melon after that pizza with Markus and nothing else. Drank only water.

Had a dream in which Zuzi had a boyfriend. He was sweet, very large, bearded, overweight. He looked like a guy from Manford and sons. They were having some issues and we went for a walk and I told him to open up more. Then some old guy stopped us and asked if we had seen any beautiful cities this year. I said I hadn’t had a good year and then I woke up. I did 9 pull-ups today. The 9th one wasn’t as cleanly executed as the 8 before. Am going to continue harvesting my old laptop. Waiting for your first message of the day.

xXxCWxXx


My Queen,

Things I love a zillion times more than your looks: 

– when we share intimate details 

– when you make me smile 

– when I see you feel safe with me 

– how am so able to tell you everything 

– how easy it is to be devoted to you 

– when you already have the tickets ready and you have water for me 

– when you send me pictures of things that matter to you 

– when you meet a friend of mine 

– how you react to Brunko 

– when you get a little angry and tell me what am doing wrong and we smooth things out 

– when you don’t allow me to exhaust myself or alert me to other things that are bad for my health 

– the way you talk to Zuzka on the phone 

– when you feel comfortable enough around me to fart (soundlessly, but still) 

– that you don’t wear make-up 

– that you help me show my love for you in a way you are comfortable with 

– when you are you without having the feeling you need to impress me in any way (cause you really don’t, I don t care) 

– when you tell me how you see me and read me, the good and the bad

– when we re joking 

– when am holding you gently and just being alive and in the moment together 

– when I sooooo feel what you are feeling in a lot of moments in the day and vice versa 

– when I can think about you and feel happy about how much love I feel for you, between us, and how grateful I am for being able to experience and seeing how much love there is in me 

– when you give me useful feedback on what I write 

I hope none of the above absolutely true statements cause you any discomfort or the idea you have to be perfect 

Please don’t be perfect 

if you re angry give me your anger 

if you re moody give me a sip of your moodiness 

if you happen to be happy give me a sip of that too 

if you need to focus on work, tell me to wait 

if you want to wear the most casual clothes, please wear the most casual clothes 

have greasy hair, skin as oily as freshly pressed olives, pimples all over, 

I do not care (first wrote this in capital letters, but you don t like that) 

I truly honestly do not care at all 

it s my fault that I emphasize your looks so much

I thought looking good mattered a lot to you and I wanted to make you feel that you are ok, that you never need to worry about your looks, I wanted you to feel free and unchained from any thoughts you may have about things you don t like about your looks 

I see what you mean with piedestal, I can see how it can create a kind of pressure

I tell you not to give me so many compliments and then I bathe you in an endless stream of them

I mean every single one of them, but i intend them to make you happy, the happiest possible 

i don t want anything to diminish the authenticity between us 

I don t really care about how you look 

sure, it made me notice you, but it was more your spirit

someone out there in the world may be your dobbelganger, physically, but if she has a personality that does not vibe with mine, I will go: looks nice and I will move on without ever talking to her 

does that make it clear to you what it is I feel for you? 

I love who you ARE (sorry) not what you LOOK like

I swear this is true from the bottom of my heart 

Come to me with the least attractive look possible and you ll see I will shower you with my love, same as always 

I ll lead by example by not always putting a shirt on for you, my Love 

(if Queen is part of the whole making you uncomfortable thing I can easily find nicknames that maybe express my love for you better) 

The list continues:

– whenever you are excited about something and it’s bubbling out of you in this very pure way

– how much you can express to me with just a look, a move of your head

– how good it feels when our hands skirt around each other barely touching, the strength in that fraction of near touching

– how I can picture you in your past 

– how relaxing it is to talk to you in voice messages – how am going to fall asleep in under twenty seconds now because I ve shared so much with you