- The most ‘extreme’ emotions had to do with the love I feel for Zuzana and Bruno. This was the most dominant emotion. In my head I kept telling them ‘I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…’ It went on like that for a long time.
- Far less dominant, but present, was a calling – if I can call it that – to write stories about war and love.
- Also a strong aspect was the message: embrace traditions, cosiness, innocence. A bit of a contradiction cause the same voice was telling me to write about war. True, one can write war stories while sipping hot cocoa staring at one’s lavishly decorated Christmas tree.
- I have been ungrateful to the people who have been very good to me.
- Am always hunting more instead of appreciating what I already have.
- My constant state of fear is absurd and I have no real reason to live in such terrible fear. (I wake up with panic attacks every night, usually at 2 am or 3 am at the latest). I thought ayahuasca would fix that, but those panic attacks are still a nightly event….
- I have an enormous, probably inexhaustible reservoir of love to give. I would say I have more love in me than I manage to share. Not enough people in my life to give it all to! A few things make a lot more sense now that I realize this.
- I should stop pretending to be weaker than I am. This insight came to me a few hours before drinking Ayahuasca, but I include it here, because it was an insight tied to the whole ayahuasca ceremony
- I absolutely have to build the best me possible
- The effects of ayahusca start working on the day you drink it, but they keep evolving later. In the weeks after the ceremony I experienced happiness – even if for only a few moments – for the first time in many years. I think even now the experience is teaching me to be present in the moment. For years and years I have either had my thoughts and emotions in the past or in the future, but not really in the present.
- I was well aware of how much pain is in me, how much despair, how much hunger for what I tell myself I do not have, etc, etc, etc
- The most obvious calling I felt pulling on me was: to do better, to do a hell of a lot better. Am afraid I have wasted most of my life, cause I didn’t do what was good for me and those around me. Life was living me and not the other way around. The amounts of stress I have felt over the years are just gigantic. I don’t understand why I still look relatively young. As mentioned in an earlier post the dominant feeling now, several months later, is a feeling of love for myself and other people.
I can only embrace change and do better from now on.
If you have questions about participating in an Ayahuasca ceremony just contact me.