1. The most ‘extreme’ emotions had to do with the love I feel for Zuzana and Bruno. This was the most dominant emotion. In my head I kept telling them ‘I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…’ It went on like that for a long time.
  2. Far less dominant, but present, was a calling – if I can call it that – to write stories about war and love.
  3. Also a strong aspect was the message: embrace traditions, cosiness, innocence. A bit of a contradiction cause the same voice was telling me to write about war. True, one can write war stories while sipping hot cocoa staring at one’s lavishly decorated Christmas tree.
  4. I have been ungrateful to the people who have been very good to me.
  5. Am always hunting more instead of appreciating what I already have.
  6. My constant state of fear is absurd and I have no real reason to live in such terrible fear. (I wake up with panic attacks every night, usually at 2 am or 3 am at the latest). I thought ayahuasca would fix that, but those panic attacks are still a nightly event….
  7. I have an enormous, probably inexhaustible reservoir of love to give. I would say I have more love in me than I manage to share. Not enough people in my life to give it all to! A few things make a lot more sense now that I realize this.
  8. I should stop pretending to be weaker than I am. This insight came to me a few hours before drinking Ayahuasca, but I include it here, because it was an insight tied to the whole ayahuasca ceremony
  9. I absolutely have to build the best me possible
  10. The effects of ayahusca start working on the day you drink it, but they keep evolving later. In the weeks after the ceremony I experienced happiness – even if for only a few moments – for the first time in many years. I think even now the experience is teaching me to be present in the moment. For years and years I have either had my thoughts and emotions in the past or in the future, but not really in the present.
  11. I was well aware of how much pain is in me, how much despair, how much hunger for what I tell myself I do not have, etc, etc, etc
  12. The most obvious calling I felt pulling on me was: to do better, to do a hell of a lot better. Am afraid I have wasted most of my life, cause I didn’t do what was good for me and those around me. Life was living me and not the other way around. The amounts of stress I have felt over the years are just gigantic. I don’t understand why I still look relatively young. As mentioned in an earlier post the dominant feeling now, several months later, is a feeling of love for myself and other people.

I can only embrace change and do better from now on.

If you have questions about participating in an Ayahuasca ceremony just contact me.

Much love,