I once wrote a short story on quite a bit of cocaine. I managed to write something you can call a story. I have always been able to do that. But was it any good? I honestly don’t remember what it was about, but I do remember thinking: This is really exactly the same sort of thing I would have written without cocaine. Years later I think I even blew the opportunity to kiss an attractive woman who was also high on coke. Oh God, my asinine literary ambitions trump my lust. How boring am I? Dull beyond relief. Am not FUBAR. Am DUBAR. Dulled up beyond recognition.

So how’s life anno 2020?

There are money worries.

There is the all consuming fear that my son will somehow die in a freak accident or something like that.

There is NEVER meeting anyone face to face that I can be 100 percent honest to. Jesus, am more honest on this blog than I am when talking to people.

There is the pointy sword of Damocles that likes to remind me I will probably never enjoy retirement.

Overall there is a stunning dearth of passion. Which is maddening cause am actually a passionate guy.

There is also:

  • support out of unexpected corners
  • the relief that am closer to my grave than to the cradle
  • the – again – maddening realization that most doors in life have closed for me
  • there is me not believing in happy people. You’re all faking it! Some better than others.
  • There is knowing too much about psychology to believe in the bullshit stories people like to tell me about themselves
  • There is the sobering realization that people are disgustingly superficial no matter how many layers of veneer they use to cover up how fucking animalistic they are

We live in a system where money is God. There is no way around it. We live in a plutocracy and we have allowed money and greed to destroy any solidarity and true intimacy there could have been between us.

Oh, and we judge. We judge so much. 99 percent of the people who read my blog will think am a madman you have to avoid whereas in reality am actually the sweetest, most tender, most generous, most supportive guy you could ever meet.

zuzi en ik

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