If you are one of those people who wish to read about how beautiful Slovak nature is please go elsewhere. The internet is full of those generic articles about Slovakia.

1. Slovaks are not Israelis. This is an extremely positive thing about any country in the world that is not Israel or the United States.

Slovakia doesn’t treat the Roma or the Hungarian minority the way Israel treats Palestinians. They don’t have a Samson option. The Samson option is Israel’s not so secret threat to the world: if Israel ever gets overrun they will nuke the entire world. No, not a crazy conspiracy theory. Even very conservative wikipedia has a page on it.

So… Slovaks… Great people! They are not Israelis! Keep up the good work!

2. Apart from stealing a little piece of Poland during World War II and sending troops to help out the Germans during their disastrous field trip to the Soviet Union Slovaks don’t invade other countries. Some folks will argue that this is not true, since lots of Slovaks go and live in Austria, the Czech Republic, Germany, England, the US, even Italy, France and The Netherlands, any country to the west basically, but they do this in an unarmed fashion. Only people with a very negative mindset would ever claim Slovak women use their somewhat better looks as weapons to seduce western men to escape from Slovakia. Let’s not be so damn negative! There is zero chance in the world you will one day wake up to see your country being overrun by Slovak tanks. You can scratch Slovaks off your list of potential existential threats.

3. They abandon their beautiful capital during the weekend. Most Slovaks are village people and only endure the urban setting of Bratislava because they feel they have to for money. On Friday or even sooner there is an exodus – if not a stampede – and people start fleeing Bratislava as though there is some gigantic blood thirsty zombie army ad portas.

So at the weekend you have Bratislava practically to yourself. I am a very big fan of Bratislava once the socially impaired morose looking people are gone. It’s one of the most peaceful places on earth on a Saturday. On Sunday evening the forced laborers – or how should I call them – start returning, so Sunday evenings can already have this rushed feeling.

Because lots of folks don’t really have their soul here, their social life is also not here. This combined with the introverted nature of Slovaks will make sure people will leave you alone.

It’s not like the arrogant city of Antwerp where the locals think they can comment on anything you do. And it’s not like Gent where it’s so easy to get to know people it will distract you from your work. Bratislava is basically a work camp, so you will have lots of opportunities to get stuff done.

4. This country is full of sexually starved MILFs

Slovak men are not lovers. They are not flirtatious. They are certainly not tender and they are stingy when it comes to affection.. They are not romantics. They’re basically not fans of women beyond the way attractive women look.

The way Slovak men treat women is a bit like you would treat a low maintenance pet you are quite fond of. Especially Slovak women in a relationship are starving for more. When Slovak women are single they select their partner on the basis of: will he be a normal, stabile, reliable provider? Once they have their partner to pay the mortgage, the two cars and to take care of their kids they start realizing something is missing and they will try and find it on ‘the black market’, so to speak. Any enterprising womaniser is bound to have some fun here.

This is probably one of the biggest taboos in this country, because it’s sort of assumed that yes, ok, men will cheat when they get the chance, they can’t help themselves, they are men and only one level above animals, but women are immune to these ‘primitive’ urges.

No, they are not. I would even dare to argue that for some mysterious reason Slovak women enjoy sex more than Slovak men. Maybe because to truly enjoy sex you have to give yourself over to someone and Slovak men are too shy and too proud to do that.

It just takes a bit of an effort to get Slovak women in the mood. An effort most Slovak men are not willing to make. Especially not because this effort may lead nowhere and people are risk averse here. Without the certainty their efforts will pay off they are not even going to start. Which brings us to extremely positive point number five.

5. Not too many money obsessed sharks

This is not America. Not everything is money driven. Slovaks think a lot about money, but almost always from the perspective of an employee, not an entrepreneur. Therefore Slovaks will not be trying to sell you stuff. When they want to meet up with you they will be looking for a drinking buddy not trying to talk you into a business plan or investment scheme. Slovaks make excellent employees. The younger generation exhibits no loyalty whatsoever towards employers, and a few of them even go on to create very original businesses, but most Slovaks have no other concept of money than as something you get for selling your time to an employer.

They are very preoccupied with material stuff, like salaries and the price of everything, but they are not sharks. So in general you can really count on it that Slovaks will be honest in business transactions. It’s only the sharks at the top you need to be afraid of. The people and their offspring who made a killing during the privatisation wave after the fall of communism. Really, the overwhelming majority of Slovaks are decent hard-working people.

If you are Slovak and see the humor in this article I accuse you of having some steamy Hungarian blood in you or of having read more than one novel in your life.

If this article gets on your nerves then just go for a beer. You will forget everything about it in less than two minutes.

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