Zuzi has received this today. In Slovak, but here’s the translation:
Basic symptoms of maternity leave:
1. You don’t understand the word ‘Weekend’
2. You don’t care about clothing. You’re just happy you have something clean to wear.
3. You are never alone in the bathroom or the shower (Who says she is now?? Hmm??)
5. You drink cold coffee and not because you like it
6. You constantly talk about shit, constipation, diarrhea, more than your environment needs to hear.
Presently Zuzi talks mostly about the French writer Houellebecq, the rampant narcissicm – am part of her research project – in our culture, inverted totalitarianism, the rigging going on at the Democratic Party, vicarious traumatization, black holes, and how to organize and establish a radically new kindergarten in Bratislava, you know, shit like that.
Sadly she can’t find many people to talk to about this because… they prefer to send her doom scenarios about motherhood.
7. The entire day you are hearing: bac boom ha ta ta ba la ba ba buk tuk ma ga ga ga
Mabye it will be a welcome change, because these days she is constantly hearing the sound of German documentaries, political talk shows, interviews with authors and lectures by sociologists and psychologists.
8. Make-up and high heels have vanished
So? Zuzi never wears any high heels and she uses less than half of the make-up of the average Slovak woman who sends her shit like this.
9. Your best friends are yoga pants and sneakers
I can’t get rid of the impression that until now Zuzi’s best friends are people she can talk to about literature, history, society and human behavior.
10. You are so tired you didn’t notice there is no number 4.
Zuzi is indeed tired. She is tired of hearing ‘funny’ shit like this.
Because she knows what is ultimately behind this stuff.
These people have gone through their pregnancy. To them it’s the biggest accomplishment of their life. They have suffered and they are proud they have suffered. And they want other pregnant women to suffer to. They lacked sleep. They want you to lack sleep. They had it hard and they want you to have it hard. They struggled and they want you to acknowledge they struggled. Cause nobody gave a fuck when they were dealing with this. And now they have a target. Somebody who -hopefully- will go through the same thing and let go of all ambition, all aspirations, all other activities and reduce themselves to the role of mother, tired, covered in vomit, drowning in diapers and alone and ignored. And exhausted. And cut off from anything else in the world.
Well, sorry, it’s just not going to happen.
In case you haven’t noticed, Zuzi has never followed your prescribed stages of life, has never allowed her world to become walled in, and will fortunately, or unfortunately keep talking about Houellebecq, the psychology of raw sex, the demonisation of Iran, documentaries like the ‘Great Hack’, etc, and you sending this shit to her is kinda proof that
maybe you have never really talked to her about anything SHE is passionate about.
Some women become mothers AND academics, mothers AND scientists, mothers AND novelists, mothers AND surgeons.
For some people life doesn’t end when they choose to pass it on.
Whenever I write about parenting I will keep using pics of the Cobain family. Not because I will shoot myself or be killed by Zuzi when the baby is two years old, but just because they weren’t…. normal.
And magazines like Vanity Fair wrote about what horrible parents they were.
Cause we kinda feel where all this is heading.
Treat us to a cup of coffee
If you’ve had some fun on our site, you could spread some joy of your own and support us. We are hell bent on improving the quality of this site. If you treat us to just one cup of coffee (2€) we will feel energized to raise the bar. Every donation will strictly be used to improve this website. So no, we won’t actually buy coffee. Thank you very much!