A total stranger walks up to you in the street. He says: ‘I love your hair!’ Then he grabs you by the wrist, leans over and shouts in your ear: ‘Now say something nice about MY hair!!’.
There are people holding signs ‘Follow me and I will follow you!’ Those are walking around in circles, circles of people going round and round, chanting stuff, but not listening to each other.
‘Hot’ looking girls with marginally interesting speeches about cooking or traveling have thousands of followers. They are not listening to a word she’s saying, but hoping that somewhere along the way, she will bend over and her half naked butt will be visible.
An alternative, greying, overweight economist who might have the solution to prevent a global collapse, is sitting on a bench, speeching about his solution with the most mindblowing rethoric, but because he never follows anyone, he also has zero followers. Except for a Japanese guy, but only because he thought it would be a fetish account with eels twirling around in the old man’s pants.
A 15 year old kid is lining up hundreds of women in their early twenties, wearing strings, with their tanned butts facing the crowd. He’s asking the people who stop and stare and druel to please, please, please tell him in which order you would ‘do’ them.
A 14 year old girl changes her make-up every 5 minutes and hordes of physically grown-up men watch the process like this girl is the angel who will soon unlock the gates of heaven. Nobody notices that there are hundreds of cuts on the insides of her thighs.
In restaurants people jump up when the waiter brings what they ordered, and then they manically start running through the restaurant, shoving their plate under everyone’s nose. Refusing to eat if a certain number of people hasn’t looked at it.
People walk around wearing T-shirts with hashtags.
The jobless, yet ambition, yet clueless and idealess people are wearing #entrepreneur
Barney who lives in his mum’s basement is wearing #lifehacks
The girl who hates herself because she doesn’t have a ‘thigh gap’ is wearing #babe
The slightly overweight girl who got no followers for #physics and only two for #chesspuzzles has switched to #suicide
A single guy who has slept with two women in his life which combined lasted a total of 44 seconds and who’s pushing thousands of followers how to approach girls in public is wearing #thefearlessman and on the back someone’s scribbled #thebeardlessman
A man with a beard like a bonzai tree thinks his beard is the biggest accomplishment of his entire life, he’s wearing #beards, but his ex-wife has scribbled #youcantcallyourselfvegancauseyouswallowallthebugsinyourbeard on the back.
A beautiful girl, with no hashtag whatsoever, tanning in a park, to get some vitamin D, is unaware she has twenty times the average number of followers standing around her, when they claim they’ll do anything for her, anything at all, she says:
‘Stand out of my light.’
They don’t move and are so awed: ‘ooo, she’s so authentic.’
Life anno 2018. Swiping through endless streams of pictures posted by people we don’t know, doesn’t make us happy, serves no purpose, doesn’t do anyone any good, but we can’t resist, because it gives us that prehistoric feeling that we are hunting for something. From the jungle of a Starbucks.