Hey William, your answer to question “What are the best psychological ways to get a girl interested in you?” is the best ever I read in Quora, seriously, and I’m a big reader.
Recently I fell in love with someone who initially showed some interest but then when I start making the exact mistakes that you mentioned, she (word to word) said “she doesn’t know what to say”. I was needy. I was desperate. I couldn’t wait to dump all my feelings. Gosh, everything you said in your answer just happened to me 🙂
Anyway now I’m different, I’m back to who I was – that cheerful guy that enjoys his life and invests in himself.
Thanks for everything
Here is the original post on Quora, it has 35,000 views there, wich is more than double the amount of views this entire blog got in 6 years:
I’m not going to try and tell you how to manipulate girls to become interested in you. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t know how.
It’s true what Mia says, every woman is unique.
All I can say is that women (just like men) tend to be more attracted to a certain kind of behavior and mind set and life style than others.
It’s definitely not a ‘one size fit all’ strategy, but here are some things that can at least increase your chances to become intimate with a woman. Simply being nice to them usually doesn’t work, because most ‘nice’ guys are not nice at all. They are only nice to women in the hopes of getting into their pants and are too much of a coward to be honest about that, which is a turn-off.
Love yourself first
The biggest insight is that you have to be excited about life and then you attract women naturally. If you’re not excited about who you are and your life, then forget it. Then the whole seduction process will be a tough uphill battle, like a permanent stalemate, like exhausting positional warfare. And it shouldn’t be like that at all. If you find yourself in that situation you’ve got it all backwards.
I see it with my good Compadre Manuel as well. Here’s a guy with tons of experience when it comes to women, a mighty good heart, passionate about many topics, and gifted with a natural optimistic flair, but what’s shooting him in the foot is that he’s not excited about where he is in life. And women have the most refined radar in the world when it comes to spotting how a man feels about himself. If you’re insecure, you are out, if you are depressed, you are out, if you are arrogant, you are out. At least with the women who are the most evolved. The grand cru of women.
My friend Tim, who’s in Vietnam right now, attracts women naturally, he doesn’t have to make much of an effort. As a student I also had it fairly easy. When you feel truly excited about your life, the women start making an effort too. It’s no longer one way traffic. Now they don’t, all the work is for me, there’s not one woman who even tries. Why would she? The heaviness and the self-loathing is pouring down my sides.
Near the end of his life Kurt Cobain was trying to seduce an -adult- art school student. He got nowhere. She didn’t want to see him. Here was a guy with an angelic face, the latest king of rock and roll, world famous millionaire and he got nowhere. Aren’t women attracted to succesful, creative guys? O wait, he was also severely self-loathing, self-depreciating, a drug addict who didn’t even bother to measure the loads of heroine he was shooting up and he was being needy. He wrote her phony, needy stuff like: ‘I just want to talk to you about conceptual art’. Yeah, right. He was also married to a dangerous, notoriously unpredictable sociopath.
So my first rule is: be happy and be excited about life and who your are REGARDLESS of women. Like David Deangelo and Sasha Daygame have said before: GO TO WORK ON YOURSELF FIRST!!!
Whatever it is that makes you happy, figure it out. Listen to figure it out by Royal Blood if you need a soundtrack. Figure out what makes you happy. For me it’s getting obsessed about one topic, digging into it and then writing a book about it, like I did with the Authenticity Diary (available in January). It’s also helping people process their emotional pain. And it’s being immersed in foreign languages. But that’s just something extra on the side. Learning a foreign language is not my main activity, it’s just dessert. I want to be fluent in ten languages. Getting to the bottom of strategy. And ‘infecting’ people with love. Like my students. And it’s women. It’s always been women. But it’s not in the numbers for me, it’s in the quality. I look for the special ones, the uncharted islands, and then never lose sight of them. It certainly helps if you are persistent, but you never want to become their stalker of course.
They DO take initiative
When you’re very happy about your life, you don’t even need to make the first move. In the happiest periods of my life, I was literally cornered by women in bars who spelled it out to me: ‘I want you’. Or ‘I want you to get drunk and very loose’. Especially that last line was a recurring one. They would bump into me, say they were going to dive in my bed -only a couple hours after meeting me-, dare me to touch them everywhere, they’d wrap their legs around me out of the blue, and sometimes when I told them I already had a girlfriend, or two girlfriends, they’d say things like ‘teach me to be ok with that’.
At the time I didn’t really know what was going on. I don’t even know how I explained it back then.
Bottom line is, if they are attracted enough they will pursue you.
Attraction is not a choice. It’s evolutionary determined.
You cannot be needy. If you want her too much, she loses her attraction. The reason behind this is complicated. You’d think that women would want to be with a man that singles them out and makes it abundantly clear that he wants to be with them. Yes, except if you do this in a needy way.
Neediness will kill attraction. It will make you clingy, intense, desperate. Neediness makes you go in like a kamikaze pilot. Even if you do get your message across, you don’t get the girl. You lose.
Somehow women want to be important in your life, but they do NOT want to be the foundation for your happiness. They want a man that can live on happily ever after without them. This seems to make no sense, but it does make sense from an evolutionary perspective. In prehistoric times women are looking for a provider, an independent hunter, and not someone who looks to her for all the answers. And how can you raise a baby together if the man is behaving like a needy baby towards the woman?
Thousands and thousands of years of evolution come in to play. This is why they are attracted to confidence and courage. That’s why you score a lot of points if you are bold enough to walk up to a woman on the street as they do in Day Game. We’ll get to that.
In prehistoric times women who linked up with guys who had a good sense of direction would survive. A woman who linked up with an insecure guy set herself up for genetic extinction. Today women are rarely thinking about babies when they meet a guy, but their screening standards haven’t changed a bit since we were roaming the African savanna.
Potential is key.
Self-confidence does not mean arrogance. They see right through that. The ones who trust their gut anyway. The ones who are attuned to their feelers.
You can fake it till you make it, but only with inexperienced girls if they happen to be as needy as you are.
You can’t fool the high quality women.
It’s a myth that you need to display material wealth. A big fancy car won’t do you any good, except with the wrong kind, a tiny minority of women are golddiggers, and you’re not after those. You need to give a vibe of potential. Women are not so much attracted to success, the potential to be succesful is enough. Any woman is convinced she can bring out a guy’s potential, if she spots it. And they love that. But you have to be the first to believe in your potential, otherwise they won’t either. You’ll be written off as a nice guy, but not her type.
Live your truth.
This is related to courage. They are attracted to genuine courage. Cojones. Chutzpah. However you want to call it. If you’re stuck in a job you hate, you’re a coward. And very unattractive.
What do you really want to do? Who do you really want to be? If you’re not making steps in that direction, forget about women.
When you ask women about how to attract women they will often say: just be yourself.
This seems like the most redundant, most meaningless advice you could possibly get, but it’s not.
There’s only one you. You are indeed unique. Emphasize that. Polarize. Stand out.
Just one silly example will cover this. If you want to have long hair, by all means, wear your hair long. Many women will instantly be repelled, but at the same time many women will find you much more attractive. Don’t change anything purely to get women, and don’t look for a formula that will magically make you attractive to all women. It doesn’t exist. There’s only a formula to make you unattractive to all women, and that is trying to please them all.
If you find tha some women are totally unattracted to you, even outspoken about how unattractive you are to them and others are all over you, then you have succesfully polarized.
You will find it easier to display your personality in everything you do when you are happy about who you are and if you organize your life in line with your values and goals.
Don’t ask women for dating advice. Unless they pursue women.
Women will tell you it’s about chemistry. That attraction just happens. Yes, for them it does, because they don’t take responsibility for sex, they’ll rarely admit to be actively looking for sex. They want to be swept of their feet, and sex can’t be a conscious choice, only something that happens in the heat of the moment, outside of their control.
It just happens to happen to them. Pure coincidence. They don’t walk around actively pursuing guys. No, they dress up, look their best, and expect to experience a ‘movie moment’, love and attraction just landing in front of their feet.
Some guys adopt this feminine mindset and slave away at the gym to get ripped. They walk around with sleeveless shirts and expect women to come on to them. What a waste of energy!
Does not work.
If you’re a guy looks won’t cut it.
Guys who think their muscles will get them women attract other guys asking them about their training methods and nutrition plan…
Unless you can display a very cheerful, confident, non-needy, happy lifestyle women will not approach you. And even then they will not approach you on the street. They may approach you in certain social settings, but not on the street. That’s your job.
The Strategy: Direct game or indirect game?
Imagine that since age 18 you would have approached every woman you felt attracted to and had simply said this: ‘Hi, I find you attractive, let’s go for coffee’. Lots of them would have blown you off, but a significant number would certainly have accepted your invitiation. If you’d presented yourself as confident and not despairingly needy of course.
That’s direct game. You approach and you immediately make it clear why you’ve approached, because you are attracted.
Indirect game is when you invent excuses to approach a woman. You ask them for the time, you ask them for directions, you ask their opinion about something.
Direct game requires bigger balls.
I personally think it could be more effective, IF you do it with confidence.
Women always know why you’re approaching them. Even if you use an excuse, they know you’re attracted and they know you want something else than to know the time. And they know you’re being a coward. If they are attracted anyway, they sometimes go along with it. Especially if you are good at making conversation, if you’ve got ‘game’.
Direct game is much more straightforward and if you can work up the courage, a whole lot easier.
Critics of Direct Game say it puts women on a pedestal. That it seems more effective, but isn’t. By giving them a compliment you momentarily freeze them in their tracks. What woman doesn’t like to hear a compliment? Of course they are flattered and of course they are going to listen to what you have to say, even if only to tank some more praise and ego boosts. They will give you your number, but won’t respond when you contact them. You killed the tension by offering yourself on a plate.
This makes sense, and it’s true, if you approached out of neediness.
If you do direct game and are not afraid to be rejected, it’s very effective.
The trick is to go for an ‘instant date’. Make the interaction last as long as possible. Tell them you have 15 minutes and say the two of you can go for coffee, right that instant. Not in three days. Now.
If she really needs to be somewhere, walk with her. Keep the first interaction going as long as possible.
Most guys approach like some guerilla warrior. They want to ambush women, ask for their telephone number and get the hell out of there. Hit and run. They can’t handle the pressure of an attractive woman seizing them up.
Stay with her as long as possible. It shows your attraction is real, that you are really curious about her and are not just after her number.
Your goal is to really get to know something about her. Find out what makes her unique.
Give her genuine compliments about her personality and her style, the way she treats others, not so much about her looks. Compliments about how she looks are very ineffective. She was born like that and it’s not really her accomplishment. Plus it makes you come across as a shallow luster.
Indirect game is deceitful compared to direct game, but it’s still far better than no game at all.
Direct game requires a lot of mental prepping. It’s brutal, raises your anxiety levels, and you need to do it a hell of a lot before you finally become desentized and feel less anxiety. You can never get rid of all approach anxiety. Again, it’s too rooted in our evolutionary framework…
If in prehistoric times you approached a woman and she blew you off, the whole tribe would take notice and you’d slip down the social ladder. If she was already taken by a stronger, more influential man in the tribe, you risked your life. You risked being attacked or shunned from the community, which was the same as a death sentence back then.
Once you get a conversation going: TEASE.
To keep the attraction going and to build sexual tension, you need to tease her. Make her prove herself, challenge her. If you throw yourself at her feet, she’ll walk away. She won’t even know what how to respond to this, she’ll be shocked. She may be flattered at first, but ultimately she’ll just be bored or worse: feel pity for you. Because you killed all the fun, all the tension.
It’s also better to keep it light. On the rare occasions I fall in love, I become very intense, forget about teasing, forgot about everything, and basically dump a truckload of my feelings, my past, my thoughts on her doorstep. It scares the hell out of them. Sometimes it does work, but I don’t have an explanation for that. Maybe I did other things right or was interesting enough or showed genuine interest in them and they’re not used to that. Most guys are not really all that curious about women. But as a general rule: don’t talk about feelings in the intial stages. It scares them off. And it’s not fun. Teasing banter is what you should aim for. This is hard when you are in love, and you feel stuff bubbling up that’s dying to get out. Throw it out in a conversation with a friend, but don’t burden her with it, she won’t know what to do with it. If she feels she matters that much to you she will retreat from your life, because women don’t want to be responsible for you getting hurt. And if you are so into them they get very scared that they will end up hurting you, so they ‘mercifully’ stop interacting with you.
Pull the trigger
So far we’ve got:
-be happy regardless of women
-initiate contact, approach
-don’t hide your intentions or you’ll be friend zoned
-build sexual tension by teasing, keep conversations going like a ping pong match, don’t say more than she is saying, keep the conversation balanced, and ideally she should be doing most of the talking. In pick up jargon this means she’s ‘invested’ in you. Bust her balls, trigger emotions, don’t get into rational conversations, those are tension killers.
-eventually you have to pull the trigger. It almost never happens that the woman makes the first move, you can’t rely on that. However, all women will give you hints that it’s ok to make a move (see the list below). There’s a guy called Liam McRae (YouTube him if you’re interested) who’s an expert in rapid ‘escalation’. To escalate in PUA jargon means to get physically intimate, and fast. You can’t keep talking, you can’t keep building tension. If you don’t make a move she’ll write you off a as insecure coward or she will be offended (yes, offended.) According to psychologists there’s a sequence to becoming physically intimate. It’s good to go from holding her hand, however briefly, to hugging her, to kissing her and more. Groping her breast before you’ve kissed her is usually a big no no, but if you’re confident enough and do not fear rejection, any move you want to do has a good chance of success.
– be clear about your intentions
– don’t take rejection personal
– initiate, lead, take charge
– take the responsibility for what’s happening
– keep the conversation light, don’t go into each other’s childhood trauma’s. Save that for after two months of sex at least…
– it’s about power, don’t yourself at her feet, don’t idealize her, don’t worship her, make her prove herself. You’re always negotiating. Some PUA’s claim you should never answer her questions and always stay mysterious. The more you tell the more you repel.
– pull the trigger
Hints that it’s time to make a move
– she keeps touching her hair, stroking her hair, rearranging her hair
– she leans in
– when you walk alongside each other your shoulders keep bumbing against each other
– she stays physically close
– she uses your half of the table when you are sitting across from each other
– she maintains slight physical contact, like her arm is slightly touching your arm or her thigh is slightly touching yours
– she starts grooming you, removing lint from your clothes for example
– when you tease her, she punches you (good sign!)
– she maintains eye contact
– she ignores her friends to give attention to you
– she’s comfortable being alone with you, and actively helps in making sure you are alone with her
– she has open body language, no crossed arms, no crossed legs, doesn’t cover her neck with one hand, doesn’t hide her neck
– is not afraid to get drunk with you
– says she needs to get up early tomorrow, without any indication that she’s going to leave (she’s telling you to speed up)
– she gets her best friend or a good friend to come and check you out
– laughs at your jokes, even bad ones
– you feel she doesn’t want to be anywhere else, she is very present
– drops social obligations to continue spending time with you
– starts asking personal questions
– switches the subject to sex (most women will do so very quickly and very eagerly, with far more detail than men)