For the past couple of weeks it has been: What useful thing can I do with my students? What could be mildly entertaining to do and still be pedagogically relevant? It is hard to find the right balance there, so that is often my first thought.

Or what could I do so I do not need a job anymore, do not have to chaotically try to juggle dozens of little tasks, do not need to run around town making peanuts and do not have to depend on any kind of employer?

Or how can I make sure my job takes me only a 20 minute or 30 minute walk -max- to get there?

Or would it not be a better idea to go and do some routine job, bury any ambition and desire I have, ignore most people except family, go through my days like a mute zen buddhist robot and wait to die of natural causes -soon hopefully- so I do not make any relatives extra sad by my death?

Or maybe if someone commented on my latest blog post.

I also usually check if I do not have a headache, because when I am unhappy I get a lot of headaches.

I can usually tell in the morning if I am going to get one or not. When I wake up with a headache or the first signs of one coming up I wonder if drinking a lot of water is going to fix it, if it is worth it to destroy my liver with a painkiller, or if I can just suffer through it.

Often my first thought goes out to a student, and something I said. And then I wonder if I didn’t insult him or her. It is mostly the negative stuff that sticks to me.

Or I think, hmm, if I meet someone who reads my blog today, that could be awkward, he/she might think I have lost my mind or that I’m from some other planet.

Or the ice cold thought slices through me that I should invest more time and energy in totally different projects and pursuits.

It is not very nice to wake up, even though I am usually full of energy and awake, and do not need more sleep than I am getting.

I think it’s fair to say that a lot of the time Puddle of Mudd is screaming in my head.

‘Same old shit, different day, gotta get up’

The song is called ‘Nobody told me’

I think I also submitted this post to some self-censorship, because my first thought is much more painful and sadder than what I describe here, but the essence is there.

During the day, as soon as I start to interact with students, my mood brightens a bit, I think enough to be able to make the students laugh, listen to them, bear their criticism, help them out in my limited way, basically, to function like a sort of regular human being.

As a student, when I was like Jon Snow and I knew nothing, more than ten years ago, my first thoughts went out to my friends, to running, to learning, to writing, to seeing people, to sex, girlfriends, to stuff we could do with our student organisation or how beautiful the river and the city looked that I could see from my window and how today could only bring more joy and more growth than yesterday.

Now the splinters in my head wake me up.

I apologize if my first thoughts in the morning have now gone and given someone sad thoughts.