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Traffic jam in the cheap wine section. We’ve made a near fatal mistake. We’re in Kaufland on a Friday evening. It’s the place to be if you want to tank fuel to enforce a ban on all human reproduction. In front of us are Spanish Erasmus students. You can’t fail to notice them. Their drunk urangutan gait always blows their cover. I say ‘you have no cojones’ quite loud, but they don’t turn around. Perhaps they were Italian. We plow through the rows and rows of incredibly impatient Slovak residents. Slovak people are renowned for their total lack of patience, their incomprehensible tolerance of overcharged products, really, items in shops are ri-di-cu-lous-ly overpriced. There are a couple of wolfs in this country and they are growing ever fatter feeding off the silly sheep. I suppose most of them are now gobbling down Polish sausages (you know, sausages that are made without meat, but any other kind of ingredient) watching hockey and ‘reading’ Novy Cas, a kind of newspaper that makes a soap like ‘The bold and the beautiful’ look like an advanced physics class. We are back from the post-modern hunting grounds, where the biggest risk is not a bear or a lion, but a nagging old lady running her cart over your foot.

Right, here are my 5 awesome things for today.

  1. Zuzi is not Slovak

She has the body of a Slovak woman, but her brain uses oxygen to function, not eye shadow and nail polish.

Also, my survival instinct simply begs me to not consider Zuzi to be Slovak. Because a Slovak woman falls for a guy who takes selfies in his car, wears a conically formed baseball cap that doesn’t fit, reeks of garlic, wears baggy trousers, has the conversational skills of an underdeveloped 5-year old with a slightly amputated tongue, and for some reason prefers to climb mountains over mounting her.

I mean I would be in huge trouble, just an enormous pickle  I would presently find myself as to be located in.

I don’t even have a driver’s license. I would have to rent a car to take selfies! Now I can just post ancient selfies from the time I sort of felt attractive. It’s hard to feel attractive around here, no matter how much garlic I eat, because I really can’t force myself to balance one of those comical, I mean, conical, baseball caps on my head.

An other inkling of proof that I have, is that she does not apply enough layers of make-up each morning to repaint the whole sixteenth chapel with botox inflated barbie lookalikes.

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2. Three students that are not my own snuck into my class

I warned them it was going to be boring (we read texts about Belgian chocolate without tasting any actual Belgian chocolate), but they stayed anyway.

Samuel, David and Peter, you’re welcome anytime.

3. I got a bottle of cheap Slovak wine

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4. This is adult male friendship:

It’s sending this email back and forth ‘I would write more, but I’m really busy right now’ until one of you dies.

5. A girl with no name or a girl whose’s name I will not mention is looking for an outlet for her suppressed longing for rampant fornication, carnal mischief and deviant debauchery.

Today she asked if I would want to join her club for sexually frustrated people. I’m guessing her membership count will soon sky-rocket. Though I think a gym and a night club usually count as a place whither the involuntarily copulation abstaining crawl to.

BONUS 6: One of my boys came to me after class and told me to watch ‘rip dad’.

At first I thought it was some funny thing or some shocking thing like ‘carp sucking dick’, but no, it’s a very touching video and he told me to watch it because of the emotions. My boys got great hearts. They will have to marry non-Slovak women.

Here’s the link to the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gT5NVVhk89c