Writing is one of few bandages I can apply to the pain that is always with me. Kind of like my soul comes with Israeli bomber planes that come out and flatten the places x times a day, sometimes expected, sometimes not.

My Spanish teacher asked how my day was and to spare her I said ‘okay’. Which if you know me a little means ‘wondering how long it takes to get euthanasia approved in Belgium’.

She told me about some of her experiences, with racism for example, or about seeing women she knows allowing harmful stuff to be done to them, because they hate themselves, and then when I see this incredibly sweet young woman open up and hopefully

Then today I took a personality test suggested to me by a person I’ve never met, but respect a lot and to my surprise I got a different result than the one I usually get.

In the past I got the same result as Napoleon (though I don’t know how these tests determine that Napoleon is that type, because he never took a test like that) and this time I apparently got the same type as Robin Williams.

Cool.

A guy that reminds me of my father’s energy. A guy I grew up with in a way.

A guy who before he killed himself tried to cheer someone up online.

I can see why Robin Williams is a better fit these days, than Napoleon.

I’ve cancelled my flight tickets to Saint-Helena and I’ve been looking for some rope, but we only have electrical chords.
This text would go down a lot more smoothly, if you were from Aalst, Belgium.I added Musing in the morning with Joe as a category and now am playing with the idea of adding Bleeding evening letters to friends. Anything to keep sane.

Joe is a real person, but it also refers to morning coffee of course.

Watched that Al Jazeera docu about October 7th. I think it sums it all up quite nicely. It could have reminded people about how the whole mass rape narrative has fallen apart, but other than that it did an excellent job at telling the story of that day. In essence they presented it as a well deserved military victory over an oppressive and cunning enemy that imagined itself invulnerable behind its high tech defenses. That’s always the risk with seemingly perfect defenses. The French can tell a sad thing or two or three about the Maginot Line. The Belgians should be able to tell you something about impressive Fort Eben Emael. People down in Dixie something about Vicksburg, the Gibraltar of the Confederacy.

I went to the supermarket. Ridiculous how I had to like muster energy for that when I know destitute, traumatized Palestinians are trudging through the cold over terrain pock marked by Israeli bombs to get home or what’s left of it.

If this Us-Israeli-European made cataclysm has done anything to me personally it’s guilt for enjoying food and feelings of weakness every time simple tasks look like they require too much energy.

The main reason I went to the supermarket was because I like spoiling Bruno so much and if you time it well there’s almost nobody there and you can look around in peace. He likes knowing his weight and in some corner where I normally don’t stop I found pretty decent scales for almost no money. The moment he discovered it everyone had to go on the scales. He also tried to weigh some of his stuffed animals, but they weren’t stuffed enough and got not result.

I resisted buying yet another book with pictures of all kinds of vehicles. He likes everything to do with vehicles. I hate cars, so maybe it will change, and maybe not, am not trying to mold him into a version of me. There are far easier and happier ways to do the human existence thing on this planet.

Maybe he will be happy with a job, a ski trip, a dog, a wife, a promotion every two years, one of those four wheeled public space robbing monsters I hate, and watching a hockey match on the weekend.

It works for some people, maybe most people. It’s a handicap when it doesn’t work.

One of my sanest aunts, she only has severe schizophrenia and three or four suicide attempts under her belt, has her birthday tomorrow. She’s ok with a text. I can’t give her money, cause she’s addicted to gambling and other than that she has no real hobbies other than knitting. I think she is always knitting because then it’s easier to ignore the people she sees and hears that aren’t really there. The gambling is about the only thing that raises her dopamine levels.

Not even sure why am writing about that. 

Writing makes time fly and in a way it works like long distance running. Even the punching of the keyboard has that effect of hearing the cadence of your feet. I can’t run anymore, so I write even more than before.

I was thinking to call this category notes from a shipping ship, but clients might spot it and think that am not doing ok and that’s a mispresentation of what I do, cause I damn good at fixing other people.

Things are just stormy right now, in my head, and in the world.

Am not sure how so many people can put up a barrier between their own doings and the rest of the people on this tiny globe where we are, at least in my opinion, all much more interconnected and impacted by each other’s joys and sufferings than we realize.

I could some people I know who seem to be really good at it.

Ah, I also had a video call with a medical student in Lebanon.

He told me now Lebanese people live like there’s no tomorrow. Things can get so messed up that in a way one doesn’t take tomorrow for granted.

He says Lebanese people really know how to party because of this.

He’s already invited me to visit him. That’s a shock for someone like me here in Slovakia, because it could take up to 5 years of really getting to know a Slovak person before they invite you over. They’d sooner ask you to attend their wedding than invite you into their home. And then you ask Slovaks to describe themselves and they will say: ‘hospitality, we are big on hospitality.’ Eeeerrrrrr. Guess again.

In other news:

one month and a day without a drop of alcohol

been making fairly ok food choices (feel bad for even mentioning food in a context of: oh no, there is so much food around I have to teach myself how to avoid it! Save me from the food!)

that ceasefire thing is not going to hold and the West Bank is gonna suffer more too

Democratic voters who can’t see they’re just as much a part of the problem as Republicans get way too much attention, which reinforces their ego pleasing delusional ideas even further

I’ve been trying to be happy for four decades and my conclusion is that trying to be happy makes you even unhappier

I want to write this in a way where I genuinely don’t care if anyone wants to read it or not (I think you can tell…)

Two categories on my blog for barely readible stuff is a bad idea, two bad ideas, but at least writing like this slows down the storm

Is trying to make my misery entertaining why I test like Robin Williams?

Can we fastforward about three decades so I can be done with this?

No?

So then I will get up tomorrow morning and go through that whole routine of being a 21st century human doing… stuff that I have to do so I can keep this aging fleshy slow transportation thing called a body alive for a little while longer, cause I do love my son.

Hey, good night, if you are happy enjoy it twice as much please, you don’t know how lucky you are