Started teaching at 7 am.
Finished at 9.20 pm.
Dutch and English today.
In between I listened to an audiobook about American history. Written by a retired officer. Not the usual patriotic hogwash. Americans love to write fawning biographies of their heroes. American culture comes close to a form of polytheism.
I could write a book just about today. It wasn’t even an eventful day. I meet so many different people in this line of work that there is enough info to share. I sometimes think that if I could describe one day in my life in all possible detail it would tell you almost anything about human life. It’s also because I visit several companies in a regular working day.
Today I also had a therapy session. The client is looking for the meaning of life. Or, in our individualistic culture, the meaning of his life.
Not many options were mentioned. Having kids, making the world a better place, developing one’s talents.
It of course got me thinking about the meaning of my life.
I could get very pseudo-philosophical about that, or I could dream up some ideal scenario, but the reality is that my life is about work, my son and, apparently, soaking up knowledge for almost no other reasons than that I enjoy it and can use some of it in my work. And because I feel it connects me to my father. There may be other reasons.
So that’s my life. It’s not good and not bad. It’s not particularly exciting, but it’s not entirely dull either.
It’s vastly less interesting or rock and roll than I imagined it would be. And most of the time I feel like am doing time in purgatory, while pretending to be a cheerful, happy dude. An attitude that comes with being a business person. A working environment façade. It’s the national characteristic of Dutch people. (Am not actually Dutch, but I feel like I am Belgo-Dutch).
There are happy moments in my days. Flickers of joy. My first student of the day thanked me for the lesson. My son is amazing. He may very well be the only person who can crack open my heart these days. Maybe am only really me now when am with my son. Sort of.
I have become an automaton. A work horse. I could still work harder. I may do so. Cause what else is there?
We have created a society full of dull people, obsessed with making some money and finding some distraction. They are not even looking for real entertainment anymore, distraction is enough.
On the geopolitical stage every dismal event keeps repeating itself, but without a great soundtrack.
You can download some mind blowing Vietnam war music, but there will never be a collection of Afghan war music. Same thing happens, just duller. There will be no hippie movement in the margin of the Afghan war disaster.
We have people obstinately documenting their entirely dull lives. Posing in front of historical buildings they don’t know the context of and only treat as settings for the movie they imagine their life is. A movie with no message. People trying to convince an invisible audience and themselves that they are truly living. They are not.
Maybe in a bigger city somewhere in the US or maybe Germany I could find more like minded people, but because of decisions I made many years ago I ended up in a place where those people are hard to find and when I do find them they are not the kind of people that are easy to meet up with.
If am talking or listening to someone now it’s because that person is paying me to do so.
When there was excitement in my life I had too many work worries to fully enjoy it, now that I have a semblance of a career all the excitement seems to avoid me with the stubbornness of a Slovak avoiding his neighbours.
It is what it is.
If things can stay like this and if my son grows up to be a happy adult I will happily accept what I have evolved into.
Most of me has been amputated, but what’s left, can still do the most essential stuff.
If I am a castle then only a skeleton crew is left to man its parapets.
I’ll let you guess why I have started wearing this symbol around my neck.