For quite some time three things have kept me from killing myself. The love and responsibility I feel towards my son. My fear that I will botch the attempt and end up being a burden to my family. The fact that some shitty folks would be super excited about my death.

So I know I have to do something about this.

I have started taking supplements again, ginseng, zinc, etc. I am drinking Saint John’s wort tea, exercising daily, I have read several books on happiness, I have been reading a ton of books actually (53 and counting in 2021). I am eating way healthier than before. I have also told several people how bad it gets in my head. As you can imagine they were concerned and seriously bummed out. Depression is more contagious that the corona virus ever was. I have said no to a bunch of things I didn’t want to do. I have been more direct to people than I tend to be. Being coffee free also helps. A lot less cranky, better focus, I wake up rested. Am drinking more water than before.

I have kicked several people out of my life. Not because they did something nasty, but because we were interacting on a level that benefited nobody. A connection that doesn’t satisfy you is like eating something tasteless when you’re craving delicious food.

I have also added cold showers to my routine. They may work like electroshocks.

That’s not all I have been doing, just the more obvious ones.

Am not saying am fine now or that my life is now perfect and I have turned into Mr Joie de Vivre, but DOING something about it, at least feels empowering.