So… since we are all more our job than full human beings… Here goes.. It’s not all I do, but it’s what gets me the most money of the things that I do: I teach four different languages. I explain things in a fifth and several times a week I have to be able to understand a sixth during my lessons.
Is it easy?
It’s not brain surgery or predatory finance hocuspocus, but it’s not easy.
The hardest part is keeping so many individuals and groups of people with so many different backgrounds and ages and likes and dislikes satisfied. And to get a fair price for the service I deliver.
It’s about teaching languages, but it’s also about psychology, time management, reading people, ridiculous bureaucracy, dealing with agencies, etc.
Why do I do this?
I never ever want to have a boss again after I had to listen to most incompetent boss of bosses mister Han Soete of the communist party in Belgium. Not a bad person, just a really, really awful, awful boss. Someone who should actually be doing something like me instead of mismanaging and pissing off subordinates. I should thank him though. He made sure I will be forever independent or DIE.
My life is a hell of a lot better than 7 years ago. I don’t like my life too much, it’s pretty shitty, but
it’s not shitty at all compared to:
• The absolute lowest points of my mental state like in 2016, or 2009 or 2014 or, oh well, almost any year between 2008 and 2016 and any year between 1996 and 2002.
• A refugee family stuck on a near wreck of a boat somewhere at sea trying to keep their baby warm and fed
• it’s not shitty compared to the lives of the people who made my clothes in a factory in Bangladesh
• it’s not even a little bit shitty compared to what went on in Nazi concentration camps
I can go on, but you get the point.
It is shitty compared to what I know a human is capable of experiencing when it comes to joy, happiness and pleasure.
It’s shitty compared what I think humans should have made out of the world… Something very different than what any sane, efficient and loving person would wish for humanity.
I am CONSTANTLY learning in order to be able to teach so many different people and subjects. And to keep this website going. And because I’m just built that way. I am listening to an audiobook while am reading this.
The whole day am like a chameleon. Adapting to the many different people I work with. In my very limited private life I am then unwilling to give attention to people. You could almost say that if am talking to a person it’s because am being paid to do so.
I work a lot, and I make money, but not in a way that is ever going to make me rich. I don’t think it will even get me respect or recognition. But I don’t care about that anymore. I can’t buy anything at the supermarket with ‘recognition’. I know some people who are hunting recognition and pats on the backs from people with ‘titles’ and I do not wish to trade places with these people. I don’t even want to be around these people. They are whiny children behind a facade of ‘importance’.
At least I have freed myself of the need to appear ‘special’ or ‘intelligent’ or ‘succesful’.
What I do has an honest and straightforward motivation: I do it cause I need the money for me and my son. Or I do it because I feel like it or because I can’t stop myself even though I have tried many times (like writing for example or learning more languages than I could ever need or obsessing over politics and the economy and other unnecessary activities).
Most of the time I am listening to people. And when I tell them something I am doing it to entertain them. Not that I just tell them what they want to hear or don’t mean what I say, but I say it to entertain them. I know exactly what a person’s favorite topics are and I basically find any topic interesting.
I worry about money.
I think about what I could be doing if there wasn’t this relentness necessity to do whatever brings in money. To buy diapers. To buy food. Some books. A pair of shoes every two years or so. A pair of pants for the next decade.
I think about that and I know I will never do those things. That’s not pessimism. That’s just a fact.
I think I read so much about horrible shit like the Holocaust cause then I am not allowed to feel bad about my post-believe- in- dreams-life, about being in dreary Slovakia with its neurotic, closed, uninteresting, communicatively handicapped and shockingly predictable people. A place I ended up in because of my own decisions. And I swear it’s a million times better for me than being in Belgium. It’s a safe haven. Just a boring and tasteless one.
You could say that am spoilt. That what I require to feel happy is beyond what my talent can get me.
I think that’s a fairly accurate way to sum it up. My appetite far outstretches my talent. Not my energy. God, I have energy! It’s that my talent cannot provide for my voracious appetite.
I can’t tell you what exactly I would want in order to feel ALIVE and not like a robot. You never know who is reading. And the list is just too long.
It’s a lot. And it can’t be had. I would very literally need magic to get it.
There are bright points.
I worry about my son and this is stressful and painful, but the other side of the coin is that he is amazing and that I love him to an unusual degree. There is no love without pain, but it’s good to love.
As adults we can’t handle being loved anymore. We look for love, bur shit on it once we have it. And most children aren’t loved. They are used.
And believe it or not but I worry about humanity. Whenever something cruel is done to a human being I feel that cruelty too.
This week I started hitting myself while reading about what some nazis did to their victims.
I wonder what I would do to those nazis. If I get so angry that I can only express it by physically attacking myself…
No matter how much things are on fire inside of me or how much I would love to be in a very different scenario I always stay relatively friendly and very willing to be constructive.
There are better websites out there than this one, but I doubt anyone writes with more honesty about what he feels.
If you kinda enjoyed reading this consider donating some fiat currency I can exchange for diapers and vanilla pudding for my son.