You are about to enter a cave. How many candles do you take with you?

What’s your answer to that question?

My answer is:

A backback full of them.

The number of candles you take with you is the number of romantic partners you want or have.

I don’t really buy that explanation.

It goes much deeper than that.

According to me it says something about how much control and security you need.

If you ask some of my ‘best’ friends, who see me as impetuous and a rebel and somebody who is more like a bohemian than anything else they will say I like lots of insecurity.

Well, I do not. Every choice I have made in life was to have more control over my life, more security, not in the form of some insurance policy, not that kind, all my life I have fought to be fully in control.

My father killed himself because he needed help. His body was a mess and he needed assistance to get dressed. Bam. That was it. Suicide. Perhaps the ultimate act of controlling your own destiny.

I have always fought to be fully in charge of my own life. When others can decide things for me I get angry, I get very angry, depressed, I lose hope, I feel threatened. Is it because am an only child? Is it because I never want to be poor again? Is it because I saw my dad live in a prison that – according to him – there was no escape from?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I would rather starve to death than do a job I hate. I think homeless people actually love control as well. Some of them end up there because they reject any form of outside control over their lives.

We live a safe live in our current society, we live in material wealth, IF we agree to give up our freedom, to follow society’s rules, if we want to sell our precious time to do stuff we would normally never want to do if our existence did not depend on it.

If I want to be rich it’s only because I don’t want anyone to tell me what to do. I would be the billionaire with the most frugal life style, because all I want to do is watch movies, write, talk to people, and date women (no golddiggers). If I were a billionaire I would problem set myself up as a free therapist.

And I would finally relax and feel safe knowing that I would never have to do anything against my will.

Since am not going to be a billionaire I have to find a way to feel safe and secure and in control without all that money.

Yes, I have read ‘Man’s search for meaning’ by Viktor Frankl, but it did not have the desired effect on me. I don’t feel like accepting situations I hate.

I found more inspiration in the words of the top gangster in The Departed:

‘I don’t want to be a product of my environment, I want my environment to be a product of me.’

Perhaps it’s that desire that is at the root of my unhappiness, but I don’t feel like shaking it off.

But hey, This Happiness Project has only just begun.

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