A large portion of my unhappiness stems from my inabiliy (read: unwillingness) to accept myself.
I have always hoped I would turn out to be a man of action. Just like those great men I read about in history books. I thought I was preparing myself for greatness whenever I read a book about some president, general, CEO, celebrity, anybody who had done something great.
Now I have to conclude that all this reading has merely turned me into a man who reads and watches documentaries about great men and women.
The painful conclusion is that I haven’t done anything great in my life. Sure there have been little acts of courage, but nothing that resonates. When am dead I will be forgotten as though I had never existed.
I find it hard to accept that. Perhaps all men struggle to accept their insignificance. Women seem to be satisfied with leaving their children behind as their legacy. The advantage of writing an article that nobody will read is that you can be as politically incorrect as you like. There will be no outrage. I suppose even being insignificant has its up sides.
There is this line in some song: ‘Life begins when you accept your fate’.
What does that mean for me? Make some survival money serving people in some small way, blog about sex (if I want to have readers), date a few Slovak or at least Slavic women, read even more books, watch even more documentaries and movies? Learn yet an other language?
John Lennon said: ‘Time you enjoyed wasting is not wasted’.
It’s Sunday evening. I will confess the truth.
This weekend alone I have watched more than 20 hours of documentaries and movies. Maybe it’s 30 hours. At the same time I played a rather complicated boardgame against myself. A game that ideally requires 5 human players. I kinda kept the house clean, still while listening and watching of course.
Did I enjoy it? Yes, quite a bit.
Is it not wasted time then?
Am writing this on a home trainer and at the same time I am re-watching a documentary on the war in Vietnam.
Zuzana says I am not lazy. I am just inefficient.
All this binge watching enables me to be a language teacher.
In a way it also helps me to be a therapist, because through all these docus and movies I am studying human beings. I don’t watch anything that is not about people’s struggles in some way.
I am just not satisfied with where it leads to. I feel I should be doing something else.
The trouble is that there is so little that I enjoy to do.
When I tell people about what I watch and read they invariably ask me: ‘But where do you find the time?’
I always shocked by this question. What else is there to do? How else should you spend your time? The people who ask me this question have as much free time as I have. Really, they do. So what do they do? Shopping? Fitness? Cooking? Family visits?
I am almost not in touch with any family members. With each book I read we become more estranged. I don’t spend much time with friends. I lost touch with most of them. I spend a lot of time talking to women, but you know, you could almost count that as research, it’s almost the same addiction as watching documentaries and playing boardgames against myself.
I know who planted this idea that I should be something more in my head: my father.
But when my father lowered his expectations of me, drastically even, I refused to give in, I kept believing that somehow I would end up doing something great.
The only great thing I seem to be doing is that I have a remarkable effect on people when I listen to them and ask them questions. They come alive, they gain self-confidence, they open up. Needless to say this can be used for seduction, but in most cases I only do it to make people feel better about themselves and yes, it gets me money.
You could say that listening to people is my Ikigai.
And the sad thing is that I am ashamed of what I do.
I still feel that a real man would be doing something bigger, greater, more visible, would make at least 10 times more money, etc, etc, etc…
The truth will said you free.
Well, here goes:
I have lost the energy and drive I used to have to change myself into something else. Maybe because all that drive gave me some success but it also got me smacking into a lot of walls.
And I have not accepted myself.