There’s a growing community called ‘incel’. They call themselves ‘involuntary celibate’. They claim they can’t find a girlfriend or women to have sex with and start to hate women, incite violence to women, and some go so far as to actually target women and kill them. The men who are active on online ‘incel’ platforms support each other, reinforce each other’s beliefs and praise each other for who can display the most hatred towards women or towards men who they perceive as more sexually succesful with women.
The most infamous example of a self-proclaimed ‘incel’ is Elliot Rodger, in 2014 he killed six people, then took his own life. He explained his motivation in a manifesto:
Well, this is my last video, it all has to come to this. Tomorrow is the day of retribution, the day in which I will have my revenge against humanity, against all of you. For the last eight years of my life, ever since I hit puberty, I’ve been forced to endure an existence of loneliness, rejection and unfulfilled desires all because girls have never been attracted to me. Girls gave their affection, and sex and love to other men but never to me.
I’m 22 years old and I’m still a virgin. I’ve never even kissed a girl. I’ve been through college for two and a half years, more than that actually, and I’m still a virgin. It has been very torturous. College is the time when everyone experiences those things such as sex and fun and pleasure. Within those years, I’ve had to rot in loneliness. It’s not fair. You girls have never been attracted to me. I don’t know why you girls aren’t attracted to me, but I will punish you all for it. It’s an injustice, a crime, because … I don’t know what you don’t see in me. I’m the perfect guy and yet you throw yourselves at these obnoxious men instead of me, the supreme gentleman.
These men are frustrated and feel entitled. At the same time they also want to prove their power, their manhood, or at least a very bizarre concept of manhood.
Sex is not just about sex, it’s also about power. Human beings can get a power high from getting to have sex with someone.
Of course, there’s no such thing as the right to sex. Anyone you approach to have sex with is totally allowed to reject you, in a respectful manner if your approach was respectful.
Unfortunately getting sex is not the same as learning some skill. If you want to learn Italian and you practice and practice eventually you will speak at least some Italian. When it comes to sex there’s no step by step approach that guarantees success. Rejection can hurt, repeated rejection can lead to feelings of despair. Of course, it doesn’t justify killing.
I was a deeply frustrated teenager. I happened to be 22 when I lost my virginity, the same age Elliot Rodger went on a killing spree, because he felt rejected by women.
At one point I had the insight that I simply didn’t understand women, that what I had soaked up from too many romantic movies, was simply not how it actually worked with women, so I actively looked for the best possible advice on how to build better relationships with women. I also did what I could to change the negative view I had of the world, since negativity is not attractive.
I believe that any women who takes cares of himself, is outgoing, reads good quality material on what women need, talks to a lot of women, and doesn’t look down on them, nor starts to deify them, will definitely meet women who will want to have sex with him.
Perhaps the whole incel community is not really about sex, but about power, about dominance, about ego and hurt vanity.
Our whole culture and economic system makes us extremely vulnerable for narcissicm, comparing ourselves negatively to others, drive for power and selfish pleasure seeking. As long as we don’t do something about that we will continue to breed hatred in certain individuals who cannot deal with the insane pressure of an increasingly valueless, materialistic society that commodifies practically everything.