The ideal bar:

  • Not even one television set
  • Alternative rock music, louder than a running shower, but more quiet than a lawn mower or an artillery barrage
  • Non-smoking inside
  • Nothing with fancy advocado stuff on the menu
  • Nothing that could qualify it as a hipster bar
  • Nothing on the menu is named in Italian, unless the bar is in Italy
  • The toilets are clean and lock
  • Live gigs
  • You can get boiled eggs real cheap
  • They have soup
  • The bar tender is cheerful when he is in a cheerful mood and grumpy when he is in a grumpy mood
  • There are books for sale
  • The tables are round and made of wood
  • You can write on the walls of the toilets
  • There’s a couch somewhere that’s used for more than just sitting
  • Tourists walk passed it
  • The waiters are having fun
  • Karaoke is illegal anywhere on the bar’s territory
  • Wearing formal clothes and corporate straightjackets is allowed, but frowned upon
  • The first time you enter you will be treated a little rough to see what you’re made of
  • You can’t talk about the bar
  • It has no facebook account