1. I like to make people happy, and one way I try to do that is by giving gifts, usually thoughtful gifts. Humans are usually not happy about this, and seem to experience gifts as putting a debt on them, even though I do not expect anything in return, although a smile would be nice. My wife has the greatest trouble to teach me to stop being generous. This is one alien reflex I have to suppress almost daily. It also burns a hole in my wallet, so I have to be careful, as it damages me in several ways. Humans are always calculating potential debt in any interaction.
2. I lie awake at night thinking about the world’s economy. I have this alien feeling that this can be arranged much more efficiently, that nobody needs to go hungry or homeless or sick from easily avoided ailments. However, humans do not share this concern and usually do not look at their planet as one economy, they tend to only see their own economic life and how much money they can extract from the world’s economy. Most humans are extremely bad economic agents. Since their usual reflex is to make as money as possible, it can only be concluded that they…
suck at making money. As even with their best efforts most don’t even get to 3,000 dollars/euros per month, and even people who get to 2,000 consider themselves to be an economic wizzard.
Apart from this rather funny personal agenda, humans fail to see that the economy could be seen as one huge mechanism that could benefit everyone and not just the one percent. They seem happy working for other, more powerful humans, who exploit them and run off with the value created by others. Somehow humans fail to stand in solidarity and their selfish agendas ensure they have to work far longer hours, doing stuff they almost always don’t feel any deep emotional connection to.
This is funny, but it’s mostly just tragic.
3. Once an intellectual connection is established with a mildly to heavily physically attractive adult female my alien body wants to continue this intellectual conversation with a bodily dialogue, known on earth as ‘sex’. This is wildly unappreciated by the majority of these females, especially when they find out that I have a legal relationship with a wonderful human female called a ‘marriage’. Most humans I meet hold the unexplainable and unassailable opinion that you can talk to many people, but you cannot bodily communicate with more than one human at the same time. They display the same attitude to their toys as children. A small child will not allow anyone else to play with their toy. Later on they take a fellow human being as their sexual toy and nobody else can play with it. If somebody does play with it this causes the greatest upheaval in that human’s life, worse than any other ‘catastrophe’ that could befall a human. They have no explanation for this behavior. It’s a rule that is almost universally accepted, but its defenders cannot tell you why it’s so important. Perhaps because utter selfishness, fear and egotism is the root cause of this claiming of exclusive sexual rights to their toy.
If you do wish to bodily communicate with a female you are best to at least pretend for a while that you wish to spend the rest of your life with her.
4. As an alien I’m so fascinated by things here on earth that I do not get impatient and rarely lose my temper. Humans start yelling in traffic, at the post office, in trams, and on the street when they feel they are being held up for tiny moments. Even the perceived loss of ten seconds can cause a human to catch a foul mood and to start making pig like snorting noises or yelling. Sometimes they start shoving. If they have an automobile they will use a device that tries to emulate the sound of an aggressive elephant. This behavior always makes the situation worse and causes them to lose more time, or continue the day less productively because they are in a bad mood.
5. Humans have an immense love for superficiality. As an alien I like to know how humans I meet formed their values. Because humans are primarily raised by two other humans who had absolutely no clue about child rearing, they are wonderfully fucked up. Humans require certificates and university degrees to engage in any sort of activity, but they can reproduce as much as they want and never need to prove they understand how a child develops. Unless they want to take care of other people’s children, then they all of a sudden need to be experts. Humans have this consensus: you are totally allowed to completely fuck up your own children, but not those of others.
In conversations it’s considered weird to ask such questions as ‘what’s your biggest childhood trauma?’, ‘how does your current girlfriend remind you of your wife to cause you to feel attracted to her?’. Questions like this set the alien on a path to a complete and utter lack of human friendship.
You are best off limiting your questions to ‘what is your favorite food?’
If you do want to know their secret values and desires you can try and analyze their favorite movies and stories. Since humans are all incredibly self-obsessed they only like stories when they can think that he main character is a lot like them.
You cannot ask a human who he or she is. They do not know. They can tell you how they earn money, but they find it impossible to describe who they are or what kind of mission they stand for. If they do tell you, it’s usually a self-soothing lie. Like: I am a doctor could mean I am trying to compensate for my parents’ inferiority complex.
6. Friendships between two females are fake
This can be a shock, but after a while you start noticing that the nicer females are to each other, the more they seem to hate each other.
They usually compete when it comes to male attention, popularity, beauty and marriage proposals.
Even seemingly intelligent females will go completely berserk if her female ‘friends’ get married before her.
Friendships between males seem less fake, but they compete over who makes the most money, sleeps with the most females, or who is better at sports or games.
Our alien research center suggests that this is either because they think their penis is not big enough or out of fear they will not spread around their seed wildy enough.
The females are a little bit more obnoxious, because they are more prone to pretend they are nice people, whereas the males will more readily admit they are assholes, which makes them a bit more likeable.
Male friends can also insult each other without this ending the friendship, whereas one wrong word between two females can cause them to ignore each other for the rest of their lives.
7. Humans lack empathy. They easily forget the needs of others. Do not borrow stuff to them.
Being generous and have the false alien assumption that my well-being is also your well-being I used to borrow lots of stuff to people. Until I started noticing I almost never got it back.
The human seems to be a creature running after some future goal, with complete disregard for the needs of others, unless catering to the need of an other human being can benefit them directly and in the short term.
In business arrangements they suck every benefit out of the deal and tend to reciprocate as little as possible, while overstating their contribution to the partnership in the most self-deluding, self-aggrandizing way.
8. A human never admits to having made a mistake
This is where you see that humans have a vivid imagination and are impressively creative. It’s a pity that most humans only use this immense capacity for invention to pretend to be highly competent and industrious.
9. Humans are incapable of understanding what kind of loss of human life is worse. This species is incapable of giving attention to something if it doesn’t come with images as from a Hollywood action movie
Humans are deeply shocked when 20 people are gunned down, but are completely unaffected when 6,000 children die every day due to flaws in the economic system.
10. Humans care more for fictional characters in series they binge-watch then for people that need their help in real life
I hereby solemnly request that my soon to be 35 year long tour of duty may be ended immediately. Even if no return voyage can be arranged I wish it to be terminated, knowing full well that this will terminate my existence. In that case I leave all my earthly possessions to my human wife, who is one of the few humans I have met who shares a lot of qualities with our alien race of Empathorians.
Please do not send any replacement, further research on this planet can only be tedious. Send a reconnaisance drone in about 500 years. If they haven’t destroyed each other by then, I assume artificial life will have enslaved all humans, as they show an astounding willingness to give up responsibility for their own lives.
Your obedient servant,
Second lieutenant Wilfull Protector Observing, outpost 234, Earth