A very good friend writes me: ‘we men can almost never live out our sexual desires. Most men give up on their sexual side and they retreat in some safe hobby, like fishing or cycling or mountain climbing or collecting miniature soldiers or vintage lemonade bottles. Or they just turn to drinking. Except for their wives perhaps, they don’t develop any more intimate relationships with women. Isn’t that sad?’
All the men I know are overwhelmed, swept up, in all consuming sexual desire, from time to time. Not all the time. It does happen that for longer periods of time we have no interest in sex.
However, even the most genuinely catholic man I know struggles with this. He never gives into temptation, but it’s something on his mind, something that demands will power, sacrifice and the comfort of his religion. Christianity is still an anti-sexual system of human restriction and control, to maintain a stabile, safe social order and for some this works just fine.
It’s not socially accepted to pursue multiple sexual partners. The internet is awash with memes proclaiming that a ‘real’ man devotes himself to only one woman. Why that would be ‘real’ manhood and why having sex with, say, ten women a year, would be ‘fake’ manhood, is never explained.
Even mentioning sexual desires can get you into a lot of trouble.
A very good friend of mine let something slip during a conversation with his girlfriend present. He said he has the desire to have sex with a blonde some day. He’s never had sex with a blonde and his girlfriend is a brunette.
This let to weeks of trouble. She couldn’t let it go. She had to punish him for merely voicing, expressing, this desire. I think many women will simply take her side. And some men who want to look good, will also take her side. There are some men who deny their own masculinity to be praised by women, but they’re all fakers, they have the same desires if their testes are still producing testosterone.
On Tuesday, the 13th of November, at around 10.30, I saw a very pretty girl get out of a tram. She had a very specific face that I’m instantly attracted too. She was bit too slender for my taste, but that’s not crucial. I was attracted.
1. I can ask for a simple coffee date
2. Let’s suppose she accepts
3. Let’s suppose she’s attracted and that there’s a sexual vibe between us
4. If I tell her I’m married, the deal is off. Sane women, especially in Slovakia, do not have sex with married guys. Unless…
5. They are tricked into it. Meaning, I could lie about it, or at least omit some vital information, but I don’t feel like that. I want to be bloody honest to people. Contrary to popular belief I am not a total sleazebag. I actually think a hell of a lot about how I can be a positive influence in people’s lives. And if I can’t be I choose to stay out of their lives all together.
6. I could stay single and ask anyone I like to go on dates, without having to pretend anything. That’s true, but I love my wife. She’s wonderful. I got more than I ever hoped for with her. It’s just, you know, the primal hunter gets restless form time to time. Indomitably restless.
7. Even if my wife agrees to let me explore, I still don’t get around the problem of point 4. In fact, it’s even worse when they find out the wife is ok with it, because that’s the perfect proof that you will never leave your wife. Why take the risk of sleeping with a guy who’ll never leave his perfect wife?
Rarely do you bump into someone who can see sex as something recreational, or as a ‘continuation of a stimulating conversation by other means’, to totally paraphrase a Prussian strategic thinker.
You could say that we are not really castrated, since we can have sex with our wife, that’s still socially accepted, but if we are honest, the scope of the sexual scenarios that are playing in our head, whether we want to see them or not, is so vast, so diverse, that no one woman could ever provide it all. She will go to very great lenghts, but in the end it’s impossible to act out all your sexual desires as a man. And maybe when it’s our time of the month, when our testosterone is peaking, this can feel maddening, like some sort of cruel, meaningless, pointless, undeserved, overly harsh punishment. And even feeling that way should be a reason to feel ashamed of yourself, how dare you be so primitive?
A woman told one of my friends: ‘I do not understand men’s obsession with the emptying of their little tube’.
Well, perhaps we should add chemicals to the water supply to chemically castrate men. Problem solved. It’s already full of female hormones, so we just need to take it one step further. Wouldn’t it make things so much easier? For all of us.
There’s this cliché – and it is certainly an overgeneralization – that says men want to spend at least one night with all the women they are attracted to, and women want to sleep with one and the same man they are attracted to every night.
Well, let’s say,
if you play it really well, are really honest to yourself and others and don’t let yourself be too caged,
you can hang on to one testicle
or half your manhood.
Unless you have huuuuge social status and women flock to you – because that’s what turns them on- it’s unrealistic to ask for more.
And you’re cutting yourself short if you settle for less.
With the other testicle’s power you can fuel some project that’s bigger than yourself, sublimate that sexual desire into something else, something worthwile.
I assume sexual frustration has -to some extent- a positive purpose.
So instead of jerking off to porn, get some real sex and transform the remainder of your sexual desire into something that makes the world a better place.