You always ask about positive things that happen to me. And you ask what I want from the therapy session. Or you ask what is going on inside me. You often pose the question: What is happening now?

The ways energy fluctuates fascinates you.

The only thing that really raises my heartbeat is the way you look. Like applying electric shocks to get a failing heart back up to speed.

Here are the most powerful, most moving experiences, I know of, it’s almost absurd, but it’s what I honestly feel:

1. Looking at you

2. Some moments with my first girlfriend and with Zuzana

3. (One and two are like in the same position) Leave a couple light years of space between the first two points and the 3rd point and that’s not an exageration. If point one and two get value 10, then the rest goes quickly down, like point 8 is already only worth 5)

Some moments with my father

4. Certain moments with my second girlfriend, Morgane, And shared moments between her, Liese and me.

5.  Certain moments with friends

Moments with other women

Certain moments with my second girlfriend’s best friend, Liese

6.  Making people laugh

7. Small writing successes

Taking certain risks, surprising people, etc

8. Listening to people, therapeutically

Really good conversations

9. Running when I was in shape

10. Acting in a play, public speaking

11. Certain times when I’m teaching

12. Board games

13. Watching docus about horrible stuff in history (this could be considered a form of automutilation)

(Written on Friday the 13th, so I will limit myself to 13)

And I can continue, but the point is, looking at you is number one, a shared first place with certain moments with my first girlfriend, Sabine.

I think, since your beauty is about the only thing that snaps me out of my morbid, sickly stoic, kamikaze state, we should work with it more, to get the most progress, it’s the most impactful, the most painful and it’s where the energy is. ‘The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek’ said Joseph Campbell, so I feel like we should explore the scary/hypnotic cave that is your beauty.

If’ve been wondering if this would happen in any therapy setting, but I remember working with female therapists before, who I can objectively say were also beautiful. If you are 10, they were sometimes a 6 or a 7 but they didn’t have this effect at all, so according to me it’s very specifically your beauty that has such a profound effect.

I can only compare it to a very small number of women that have been or still are a part of my life, and yours somehow cuts deeper and hits more buttons at the same time.

I would really go so far as to say, that the effect looking at you and taking in your movements is the essence of my life, and somehow a reminder of all that’s beautiful in life. Absurd, but true. Everything else flows from this. Everything is boring, and at the very best only mildly entertaining.

It’s painful in the sense that it’s like hammering on the chest of a dying man.

This wouldn’t be possible, if you looked differently or were someone else.

When I walked out of our last session a deep melancholy, a sense of utter gloom came over me, because with you I get a taste of the ‘juiciest’, most delicious emotions I can experience, but then outside of therapy, it’s gone.

One small benefit that I see is that it devaluates other attractive women that I see on the street or among my students, since they can’t compare (if you are ten, then the prettiest woman I work with is a 7), they have a lot less power over me, I just don’t care.

My wife is a 9 or a ten, Andrea was an 8 and Olga, in real life, not on pictures, was a 9, sometimes a 7 or an 8.

The odd thing is that my wife brings out a wholly different energy, powerful, but different, steadier, it’s endearing, more a reflex to treat her nicely, and not so much an awakening. She says I’m superficial, because I’m much more affectionate and cheerful when she is dressed stylishly.

I don’t really find anything all that beautiful, visually, like I do not feel nor register the beauty of the flowers you always make sure are there, but when I look at you, and move my eyes from you to the flowers, the aliveness you cause, makes me feel the beauty of the flowers as well, but it’s only a tiny, almost empty fraction of it and only for one second, in a flash.Without first being overflown by your beauty, I would definitely not register the flowers, and they would even be a thorn in my eyes.

So we can conclude that your beauty entirely disrupts my survival system.

It’s the most beautiful experience possible and it bugs the hell out of me.

It makes the wild horse try to bolt with all its might, and it takes all my energy to keep it in place, so that everything hurts from restraining its force.

I think it’s hard to believe that this can have such an effect, but this is precisely how I live your beauty.