If you want to be friendzoned.

Treat her like you would treat a person you have the deepest respect for. Ask her out. Insist on buying her dinner. Surprise her with all kinds of thoughtful, personalized, carefully selected gifts. Support her. Listen to her. Be available. Hang on her lips. As a figure of speech, because this sort of übernice guy behavior won’t get you anywhere near her lips.

If you want to be stalked.

Flirt with all her female friends and colleagues and even that gay guy called Wesley who helps her pick clothes. Totally ignore her, and make sure she feels like the only one you’re not giving any compliments to. It’s childish, but it works.

If you want to make her your girlfriend.

Tease her, push her around, be totally uninmpressed by the way she looks, make her do stuff for you, basically act like an entitled jerk who’s got a new toy. It pushes all her buttons, even if she claims to hate it. CHALLENGE HER, CHALLENGE HER, CHALLENGE HER. Don’t try this if you are not at least as intelligent as she is, she’ll never go for you otherwise. They like big brains. The only time size truly, deeply, seriously matters to them.

If you want to lose her AND have her be cruel to you.

Try and do everything for her. Worship her. Constantly try to be with her. Beg for her attention. Get her need fulfilled before she even realizes she has that need.

If you want to be killed.

Openly flirt with her best female friend at a big social gathering.

If you want to stay in her life for months, but strictly platonically.

Promise her children, marriage, anything women are said to want, absolutely anything, there’s no way she’ll want to settle with the likes of you, she’ll puke if you touch her, but you will stay in her mind, somehow, as a purely hypothetical ‘what if scenario’.

If she asks you if you want to eat vanilla icecream,

It just means SHE feels like vanilla icecream and doesn’t want to eat that delicious unhealthy food alone.

If you want to show her you’re a moron

Send her a dick pic she didn’t ask for.

If she ever asks for a dick pic, in a very direct way, in less than three days after you got to know her.

Delete her, she’s a guy with a fake profile.

If you want to show her you’re a DISCIPLINED moron

Send her your fitness selfies.

If she adds you on Facebook and only has male friends.

Delete her, she’s a guy.

THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT ONE: If she ever stops nagging about all your annoying, unhealthy, careless habits.

She’s about to dump you and preparing her exit. (You’re no longer her ‘if you want to change the world start by changing your boyfriend project’)

What marriage will do to her,

20 pounds, the first 5 years, a steady growth of four pounds a year.

If you want to surprise her,

Get her a SMALL gift, something cheap, like her favorite snackbar wrapped orginally and with a personal note to it.

Randomly send her a text during the day. Risk making making a total fool of yourself. Like: ‘it’s so fucking hot today, am melting’ on a cold winter’s day. When she says it’s cold, you answer: ‘yes, but you are not thinking about you in riding boots’

If she asks you whom you were with yesterday,

tell her the truth, she knows anyone.

If she comes home crying,

Just hug her, don’t try to fix anything, for now, don’t ask for details, just keep hugging her.

Five ways to go if you want to impress her.

  1. not try to impress her. Ever. Women hate it when you are bragging. Unless, you can do it with a lot of clever self-effacing humor, do not brag about your accomplishments.
  2. Have gentlemanly manners, but don’t expect compliments about it, just do it, don’t make a show of it.
  3. Be very kind to other people, especially those that can’t do anything for you
  4. Lead. Be clear about what you want and simply go for it. Just normally do you want you want to do. With respect of course.
  5. Remember what she tells you. Oh, you get points for that. And challenge her opinions, don’t be a suck up that agrees with everything she says.
  6. Bonus 6: don’t stare at other women when you’re with her

If you instantly want to tell her you feel you’re not good enough for her.

Try and impress her with money. Or brag about how many women you’ve slept with.

If you want to dissapoint her in bed.

Totally forget you have hands and a tongue and think your penis is your only tool.

If you want to let her know you are a manipulative psycho.

Tell her all your exes were manipulative psychos. She knows it takes a fucked up boyfriend to bring out the worst in a woman.

The first woman to react to this article said:

This is an offensive article. We do NOT gain weight when we get married.

Am taking that as an indignant compliment.

When it comes to sex: