Don’t check email in the morning. Hire an Indian highschool student to check your email for you and send you the summary on Snapchat.
Take a cold shower in the morning. This will make you feel warm and fuzzy all day AND people will want to hug you, you big fluffy polar bear, which will boost your endorphines which will boost your productivity.
It works even better if you get up in the middle of the night and take a cold shower then, especially if you force yourself to retain your morning pee, this will flush the toxins right out of your pores, you will feel energized as never before.
Drink Kabalabumbucho tea, which is just regular green tea, but it comes in a fancy package with a Buddha on it, which will make you feel more inspired than Steve Jobs on his best day tripping on acid. Ignore all reports that tea contains fluoride and that the bags used for tea leak bad chemicals in small quantities.
Ignore all scientific research stating why something is either bad or good for you. It’s all contradictory and it just depends on who sponsored the research.
Go hopping on one leg. Because, euhm, well, just because. It boosts your productivity. The left leg!! The left leg!!! Are you new to productivity or what? Hopping on the right leg will clog your lymphatic system vagus nerve adrenal glands in your big toe.
Go to the nearest busy, touristy, bustling market square and lay down on the ground. This will take away your social fears. If nobody steps on you.
Take a long bath and listen to medieval chants. Use lavender bath salts. Lavender kills testosterone, so your libido won’t distract you from your productivity.
Go to a gym and take selfies.
Take selfies on the way to the gym.
Take selfies with the super healthy sugar packed smoothie you drink after exhausting yourself from taking so many selfies.
Post a Facebook post every 30 minutes showing what a tough person you are and how hard you work and how big your dreams are. You’re crushing it. You’re an entrepreneur. You’re not in it for the money, you’re in it for the likes.
Ask random questions on Facebook, purely to get people to interact with you. Like: which pet have you loved the most? Who’s ever been to a sauna on Christmas Eve or – A CLASSIC- Can someone please bring me chocolate?
Put on energizing music so you can procrastinate with more tension in your body.
Stop reading this list, take a break, take a selfie.
Keep more than 10 tabs open at all times.
Do your distraction addiction loop every half hour, check Email, Facebook, Twitter, smsses, five other channels, and back again.
Do 10 sit-ups. Because, you know, a six pack is part of the Millenial Dream.
Plank for one minute. That’s twice as long as the current average attention span, that’s GOT to give you rock hard abs.
Click manically through wikipedia articles.
Read the titles of newspaper articles. Get a little nervous. Then read a long article on why Kim Kardashian gained a bit of weight on her holiday somewhere off the coast of Brasil.
Check your likes, check your statistics of whatever app tickles your pickle.
Criticize and offer no alternative.
Do not lead.
Be lead by others, but very reluctantly, drag your feet.
VISUALIZE. Sit on a nice little rug and think about all the big businesses you are going to build.
Read ‘The Secret’ once per month.
Get as many gadgets as you can, like stuff to measure how many steps you walk during a day.
Get a website and business cards, before you’ve got a product or a service to offer.
Get a morning ritual where you run around like a caveman dressed in imitation bear skin making animal grunts, this will prime you to really go hunt for what you really want in life today.
Do a Facebook Live video. About anything. Mostly talk for 15 minutes about how wonderful it is how you have finally found the courage of a Samurai to do a Facebook Live video. And greet mum and dad. And little Joe. And big Joe (the labrador).
Drink bullet proof coffee. Just smack some butter in your coffee. If that doesn’t work, then nothing will. Use grass fed butter.
Erase stuff from your diet. Gluten, carbs, carps, wraps, dips, tomatoes (poisonous!), tap water, bottled water, sugar, fat, basically avoid all food, replace it with protein shakes. Do not read the list of ingredients on the label. Better yet, only eat salads with sugar packed sauces.
Go and sit on a hometrainer and go through your Facebook newsfeed. Post a selfie every 15 minutes. More sweat = more likes.
Do 36, but replace the sweat with drops of water, works just as fine.
Avoid all unhealthy foods, run every day, work out every day, then go binge drinking on Fridays and Saturdays.
Post fitness poses on Instagram, Tinder, etc.
Share a violently inspiring quote from some very dead Spartan king and then binge watch Netflix.
Tell everyone about your plans as though you’ve already accomplished them.
Do it tomorrow.
Postpone stuff, because you are a perfectionist.
Postpone stuff, because you really want to ‘research’ first.
Watching random Ted Talks counts as research.
Casually chatting to someone who is marginally more experienced than you counts as a business meeting.
Anything that you do slowly counts as meditation.
Tell people you are busy, very busy, so busy. Then chat for two hours with a friend about which color he’s going to paint his living room.
Watch millionaires talk about how they wear their lucky pink underpants when they go to an important business meeting in the hopes that hearing them talk bullshit will somehow make their success rub off on you.
Overlook that all those success gurus never go into all that much details about how exactly they made their money. It’s all fluff to make you feel good, it’s never a step by step guide to make lots of money. But that’s ok, because they all have one thing in common, they were all mysteriously allergic to money and weren’t in it for any pecuniary reasons.
Just do anything to avoid real work and standing for something other than running after and posing with this very narrowly defined ‘success’ craze.