David Deangelo is a somewhat forgotten pick up artist nowadays, I have the impression, but one thing that definitely made a lasting impression on me, was his list with 77 laws of success with Women and Dating. I haven’t read the list in years, and since I’m looking for a better set of rules to live my life, I thought I should examine them again. The laws are in bold, the comments are not. Does anyone even use the term ‘pick up artist’ anymore? Anyway, these laws are about much more than success with Women and Dating, they are about designing a life for yourself.
Some of these laws are surprisingly good, and some are surprisingly childish, even laughable…
1. Accept everything the way it is. Don’t wish things or situations were different. Bitching about stuff will not change it. Confront the reality.
You can hate bureaucracy, but there’s rarely a way around it, unless you live in Russia and you have plenty of cash to bribe people…Then you can nag about corruption in Russia, but again, there won’t be much of a way around it. You can nag about how women are nasty, or you can make the effort to understand how women are slightly different from men and find out how to interact with them better. You may hate the fact that certain eating habits make you fat, but if you want to be thin, you’ll have to go through the trouble to adopt a healthy diet, and so on and so on. It’s good that this is number one on the list, because it’s vital. This law doesn’t mean you just have to accept things as they are and never try to change things. No, this is about accepting that you have to learn how to overcome certain obstacles or principles to get where you want to be. You may wish to live in system that doesn’t require money to pay for basic human needs, but until that gets fixed, you will have to confront reality and find ways to make some money. You could advocate a different economic system on the side though. This isn’t a call for passivity, it’s a call not to complain about what is, but to take a good look at what it is and what you can do about it.
2. Take Responsibility. You are responsible for your thoughts and actions.
Don’t blame others for what happens to you. It doesn’t empower you, it makes you less constructive and blocks your creativity. It may be true that others have impacted you in very negative ways, deal with that, perhaps with the help of a professional, but then let the past be the past and take responsibility for your actions. If you take responsibility for what happens to you, you’ll feel more free, more empowered and you’ll find yourself more in the ‘now’ and less hooked on ‘might have beens’.
I don’t like the word ‘wussy’. This law sounds like an invitation to beat yourself up. What’s good about it: yes, complaining won’t get you anywhere. Venting helps once in a while, but on the whole you always have to: 1. Identify the problem: what’s going wrong? Is it worth fixing? 2. If yes, what are going to do about it? 3. Go do that.
5. Build a Powerful, capable self-image that you love. A picture of you that you carry inside yourself. Get a clear picture of the person you want to be. Ask yourself – am I the person who I want to be? Make it as clear and vivid as possible so that you can feel yourself living it.
This is largely true, though I assume you are not living in a bubble and that you know your decisions affect others as well and I’m assuming you don’t want to hurt others habitually. I would say, follow this law in matters that are really close to your heart.
I don’t like the sound of this law. It sounds very arrogant. It’s true you shouldn’t over-analyze rejection or anything you may perceive as rejection, but to walk around thinking that you can provide a lot more to someone than they can to you, is arrogant. Sometimes there’s just no click, no need to further and conclude that you are better than the other person. Perhaps the person you approached just had a massive heachache today, perhaps she didn’t like your voice, so be it. You’re not worse for it, and she isn’t either.
I don’t encourage anyone to ‘not give a fuck about others’, but the rest is true enough. You are not walking in someone else’s shoes, comparing yourself to see who is better, is just silly. If you see someone who is in a place you want to be, then compare their actions, the path that took them there, and look for learning opportunities.
10. Evolve constantly and consciously – always seek the next level and paradigm. Keep looking for the next level. You have never arrived. Keep thinking – what is the next level and how do I reach there. Find and be with people who don’t give a damn about your current level because they are at a higher level than you are.
True. You’re never ‘finished’, you are always a work in progress.
Insecure people say sorry waaaaay too often that’s true. Only apologize when you have clearly made a mistake. Don’t say sorry for something you didn’t even do.
Don’t suck up to people. It will rip your self-worth apart.
15. Stop Trading Status for Approval. Be in control, lead. Be the person who is net-positive dominant. Let people earn your attention and make them go through hoops before you give them respect. Don’t respect people just to make them respect you. Let them earn it.
There’s of course a basic amount of respect that you give others, just for being with you here on this small planet, but otherwise it’s true, don’t give people credit for stuff they didn’t do in the hopes of getting credit. It’s just a case of neediness again.
16. Untangle past, present and future. Life for now and for the moment. Consider short term, medium term and long term gratification of everything that you are about to do. Do what is right in the long run. Live for the moment. You always tend to overestimate the future loss or reward. Don’t live in the fear of something happening. Just deal with it when it arises. Don’t worry about solving the future problems before they arise.
This doesn’t mean blow all the money you have on a wild night and deal with the consequences later. Fear in our present society is largely overrated. People these days are afraid to change jobs, they are not dealing with the fear of trying to snatch a piece of meat from a lion (in that case fear makes sense). Changing jobs is not worthy of being in the tight grip of stomach rotting fear… If you’re living in the west anno 2016 you run very few life threatening risks… Enough with all the fear already, it’s just holding you back, or you’re using it as an excuse to stay comfortably miserable. If you hate a job quit the first month or even sooner. If you feel like starting a business start it. If you make it, great, if you fail, great you’ll be a lot wiser and you can try again, better than before.
17. Surround yourself with success models. Be it people, books, audio or videos. Get inspired and surround yourself with success and vision of what you want to be in future. Visualize things. Grow consciously. Don’t do anything that is of no use. Focus on success and what you want to achieve in the long run.
True, just don’t get addicted to listening to your role models and forget to actually DO THE WORK. I see this happening with a lot of people. Yes, learn from role models, but at some point you have to start doing. The only way to get over fear, is to confront it. And no amount of preparation can shield you from making mistakes. Go make some mistakes. You’ll learn.
Any man who tries to chase two rabbits gets none. Also, don’t multitask. Focus on one thing at a time, it is lot more efficient.
19. Travel. Explore new places and cultures. Go learn from them and meet new people. Expand your horizons. List everything that you learn and impliment it.
I’m not so much of a travel fan, though I ended up travelling quite a bit. I’ve learned more from interacting with people I found fascinating, than by travelling. So, if by travelling you mean seek out interesting people, yes, I agree. I’m sorry, but staring at landscapes in foreign countries didn’t change me at all. It just taught me I don’t care about most landscapes.
Well, yes, with all the external input raining down on us every day, and all the messages we get to change something about ourselves by bying something, it’s a must to keep realizing who you want to be. Carry some reminders with you everywhere you go.
21. Focus on your core skills, your inner game and tactics will fall in place. Don’t always look for instant gratification. Put in the time to learn the thing properly and do what needs to be done.
This is true for any skill you may want to learn.
This is one of the best ways to feel more fulfilled.
As a teacher/therapist I can tell you that explaining something to others is THE way to really store a piece of knowledge or a stroke of insight, much more solidly than if you just read it or hear it. Apply what you learn. As Bruce Lee is said to have said: ‘Knowing without doing, is not knowing.’
I think he already said that…
26. Objectify your demons so that you control them instead of them controlling you. Something you don’t have control over. Don’t worry about them and learn to conciously make sure that they never control you.
Yes, be very aware of how your mind operates, and be honest to yourself. Call a spade a spade.Get good quality feedback on this mental process from people you really trust.
27. Become selfish so that you can become generous. Make yourself a priority in your life and do what is right for yourself and achieving the goals that you want to achieve. Be independent and focus on yourself.
You can give more, if you take care of yourself first. Remember those signs in airplanes urging you to put on the emergency mask on yourself first, and only then on your child. There’s a very good reason for that.
28. Surround yourself with success models and eliminate failure models from your life and mind.
You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with, goes the cliché. Yes, you need success models around you, but I don’t think you need to ban your slacker cousin out of your life if you happen to like the dude. Maybe he lives in trailer, maybe he’s drunk off his ass most of the time, if you like him, why not spend some time with him from time to time. As long as you stick to your goals and your standards, I don’t see much harm in this.
29. Keep doing what works and stop doing what doesn’t. Don’t assume, try and see what works. Split test everything and stick to winners. Keep track of the lessons that you learn, write them down and do more of whatever works. If it doesn’t work, just eliminate it from your life and mind.
They say the definition of madness is to keep doing the same thing expecting different results…
30. Maintain your composure. Control your emotions. Be complete and be balanced. If you lose your emotions on something, that means you have to work on it. If others freak out, you instead have to become calmer and a cold-calculating machine.
This one made me laugh out loud, almost. No, you don’t need to become a psychopath, or a cyborg or a robot. Just be in touch with your emotions and your needs and have a strategy to deal with sitations that could cause you to panic. Do not become a cold-calculating machine. You’re not the head of the maffia.
This is a lousy law, and shows insecurity and arrogance on the part of Deangelo. Yes, learn to deal with rejection, but there’s no need to convince yourself that there’s something wrong with the person rejecting you. This is a little bit in contradiction with an earlier law to not analyze rejection. If someone rejects you, fine. If it’s really important to you, you could even politely inform why. You might learn something. But to go and say: ah, she or he is just not worthy of me, is just a recipe for arrogance and insecurity. Sometimes two people meet and nothing happens. That’s fine. See law number one and just accept that.
Finish what you start and be very selective about what you start. Is it really leading you some place you want to go? Is that the one thing you should be focussing on right now?
33. Learn to always enjoy youself no matter what is happening around you. You make your own reality. Make it fun.
You can’t have fun 100 percent of the time, but if you want to, and you are willing to break certain patterns, you can make most situations a little bit more fun than they usually are.
34. Value yourself and your time more than any other women. Put your priorities first and before anyone. Don’t tolerate any disrespect of yourself or your time. Always do a valuation analysis and do what is of highest value / priority.
35. Develop your awareness. Form a peripheral vision / 360 degree vision.
Haha, yes, get unagi! If you don’t get this reference, start watching the entire series of Friends right now and forget this silly law… Hey, there are 77 of them, we can’t expect every single one to be a life-changing gem.
By the way, if you do develop 360 degree vision, call a doctor.
36. Learn to control your emotions. Be happy, be in a state of bliss and be fun. Take responsibility for your emotions and don’t let any external factors impact them.
If you’re truly hurting don’t try to just put a happy face on it. Some bad experience and emotions you simply need to deal with before you can feel happy again.
37. Become unbelievably honest and authentic. Be direct and blunt – tell people how it is. If they do something wrong or something you don’t approve, tell them. Call girls out if they shit on you.
I so wish the line ‘call girls out if they shit on you’ wouldn’t be in this paragraph. Other than that: yes, always be honest.
38. Learn to identify the social status of others by commiunication and body language instantly. Looking away while talking is a high status symbol. Connect with leaders and befirend them. Become like them.
Learning to interpret body language and trusting the intuition you have about people’s non-verbal signals is very important. And yes, respect yourself, but the concept ‘high status’ really rubs me the wrong way.
39. Become and expert on your own self-deception games. Become aware of the games you play with yourself. Keep a journal and do things what need need to be done, don’t mindfuck yourself.
40. Balance learning, practicing and doing. Learn -> Do -> Analyze -> Improve -> Repeat. Pefect practice makes a man perfect. And perfect practice means taking things seriously and always fine-tuning things to the next level. Do it the right way, don’t pretend that you are doing it.
41. Constantly improve yourself. Get started, put it to the test, improve it. Keep optimizing whatever you do. You are never perfect, keep doing things that will have major impact on your overall success – and keep pushing it to a higher level.
42. Stop projecting your strenghts and weaknesses on others. (Tip!) Make a list of people you hate and those you admire. Then make a checklist of what you admire or hate in them. Then make those things you admire in others as your habits conciously and try to eliminate what you hate in others.
This one shows a profound lack of insight in human psychology. Often what we hate in others is something we are guilty of as well. Read Jung on this one.
If you find you dislike someone this can teach you a lot about yourself.
43. Eliminate all negative/distructive habits and start adapting positive/constructive habits in your life. Become concious of your own habits and self, do what it takes to fix things the way you want them to be.
This is one reason why we are developping ‘the authenticity diary’, availble soon. I wanted to slip some small commerical in here.
44. Recognize when you are losing control of yourself. Just stop. Don’t talk negatively to yourself, don’t victimize yourself. Just take a break, think logically and do what is right. Don’t think when you are emotionally high.
The way you talk to yourself influences who you become. Negative self-talk will have a very negative impact on yourself.
45. Make your territory yours. Don’t take any shit from anyone.
It’s nice to have a ‘turf’ of your own, an area that you’ve mastered.
46. Lead. Find people with high potential and then help them achieve the best they can. Inspire others to look at you. Work harder than anyone else. Work smarter than anyone else. Inspire them to reach your level.
I’m sorry, but this is just degrading towards women. If you want to fail with women, then sure idealize her and worship her like some Goddess (women are NOT looking for a man who does that), but to assume that your status is higher? Come on, this is just another patch for insecurity.
48. Stop idealizing relations. There is no special girl who you can’t do without. Don’t let a relationship take over your life or stop you doing things that you want to achieve. This is your life, no one is going to do stuff for you. Become selfish about your priorities and put top level on what you want to achieve. Don’t let anything stop you from it.
I don’t like to tone of this, but what’s true is that women don’t want a solution from you when they tell you about their problems, they just want you to listen, really listen.
50. Don’t try to control a girl with material things. Don’t be a beta male. Let her earn the rewards – always.
I don’t like dividing men into alpha and beta men. All men can learn to be better human beings. That being said, you can’t buy women. And if you can buy a woman, you do not want to be with that woman.
51. Stop trying to impress women. Don’t seek validation. Don’t spend more than you want to. Don’t brag. Don’t give them gifts and attention that they haven’t earned. Make them go through hoops and qualify to you.
Challenge women, yes. Don’t throw yourself at her feet. Get to know her. And challenge her to be better, and expect the same in return.
52. Look the part. Be stylish, pay attention to details and be hygienic. Women never take things at face value and use chick logic to figure things out. Just pay attention to small details and let them be impressed with it.
Ok, true, women read a lot into the type of shoes you’re wearing. Still, you can look like a bum (if you don’t stink) and still seduce a woman. The way you look is not the most imporant part of seduction. Still, it doesn’t hurt to develop a style that is really you.
(Hey you, come over here. I have been looking for you for a while.) Be confident, learn the right eye contact. Smile.
Women mostly do something like ‘shit tests’, when they sense you are full of… shit. It’s true women are turned on by some things you do and turned of by some other things you may do, and they are on the look-out for things that turn them on, but they are not concocting any shit tests, if you are clear about your intentions and confident and challenging and respectful, you won’t notice much shit testing. All a woman will do is see if you are who you appear to be and if you are really interested in her.
54. Make yourself the most interesting and fun person a woman has ever met. Be a showman. Learn what women are most attracted to (cold readings, personality and stuff -> see the chick magazines).
This shows such an incredibly narrow view of women… Plus, it turns you into something you are not, if you don’t care about chick magazines, then don’t read them. I happen to be interested in ‘personality and stuff’ a lot, I’ve had a period that I was somewhat interested in astrology, and I found out that most women have very little real interest in astrology (good for them!). Yes, women are more interested in emotions and all sorts of relationships than men typically are. Other than that you don’t need to go and read ‘chick magazines’. She’s looking for a man, not a woman who reads the same magazines as she does. By the way, I know very few women who read chick magazines and take them seriously… You could get a very wrong idea by reading magazines like that and take them at face value. The best way to find out what a woman is interested in, is by talking to her and interacting with her. Women are as diverse in their interests and hobbies and favorite discussion topics as men are.
As long as you don’t sign up for yoga classes that you actually totally abhor, this advice is totally fine.
A hint though: women are everywhere.
If you’re not confident -yet- this is a good trick, as long as you make sure to grown past it. Cultivating thoughts like this is like riding a bike with training wheels.
57. Don’t be boring or predictable. DO CRAZY SHIT. Be awesome. Do things for your own amusement. Go to the extremes and live the life that you want to live – be adventurous and fun.
As long as you’re not doing this because you are trying to prove something…
I suppose I’m in the mood to watch Friends, but this law reminds me of the episode in which Phoebe dates a guy who’s wildly enthusiastic about EVERYTHING. She ends up dumping him REAL fast.
She just wants you to be unapologetically you…
Won’t hurt you. Takes a while to get the hang of it though. And you don’t need to go be a clown, to -again- mask insecurities. But yes, flirting is about creating building and releasing tension, and so is humor.
The insight of the century.
61. Learn to turn women on mentally, emotionally and physically. Give her emotions, sexualize and turn her on at all levels. Create a mental state that she needs. Create a perfect crib that will turn her on.
Would be nice if this law also explained how to accomplish this.
Just be really clear about your intentions, and tease, while at the same time respecting her boundaries of course.
62. Learn the entire mating process of humans in detail. Learn the steps that they always go through and then learn to take them to the next level.
As silly as he may have phrased it, yes, it won’t hurt to read a good book on sexual technique. ‘Slow sex: the art and craft of the female orgasm’ by Nicole Daedone is supposed to be good. Haven’t read it.
Most women will go into the most unbelievable amount of detail as to what they enjoy in bed if they simply feel that you truly care.
64. Tease in every way that you can. Build postivie responses so that you come out as that fun and crazy guy that they want around themselves.
Again, don’t feel as though you have to bend over backwards to entertain women.
65. Be honest, authentic and ethical. Don’t be ashamed or guilty of your desires. If you check out her boobs and she asks, just say – I am looking at your tits.
I wouldn’t recommend using the word ‘tits’ in this setting, but if you’re looking at her breasts and she asks, well, yes, admit it. If she clearly doesn’t like that, then stop, and continue the seduction process. You could say something like: if that’s making you uncomfortable I’ll look somewhere else (look into her eyes of course). This way you have communicated you respect her boundaries, and you are attuned to how she feels.
66. Set boundaries as soon as possible. If she does something that you don’t like or approve of, bust her balls. Be honest.
Never let a woman walk over you, just because you are attracted to her. You respect her boundaries, she respects yours.
67. Look past the content to see what is really going on. Judge people by their actions, not their words. Pay attentions. Remember what your eyes see, your mind believes – don’t let that happen. Always ask – what’s really going on here. If she creates drama, it is basically a representation of who she is as a person.
There’s a not so subtle loathing of women lurking underneath these laws, and I don’t like that.
This is so vague and cliché. Just be clear about your intentions. You didn’t approach her with your main priority being the discussion of the US Constitution, ok, but you will have to engage her mind, not just her emotions. Intelligent conversation (engaging her mind therefore) is a huge turn-on.
Don’t turn EVERYTHING into an adventure. She’s looking for a man who knows life is not always one big party.
70. Convince yourself that what’s gonna happen is unbelievably fun and then convince her of it. Having fun is a state of mind and being on the higher energy level. That attracts people.
They way you define life has a big impact on how you end up living life, for sure.
Woman will be expecting you to fit a next appointment. Instead cut her off and say, listen I gotta go. Let’s talk next time.
Don’t make her the center or your universe, ok. Women like men who have other important things to do besides spending time with her. But to run away from her on purpose just so you can leave her wanting more is just silly and fake.
72. When you got a challenge, get back to basics. The inner game is the most important thing. Don’t act out of desperation.
Acting out of desperation is usually a bad idea, yes.
73. When you start losing it with a woman. Stop, step back and let her come to you. Create scarcity. People want what they can’t have. Pull the needle out of arm. Familiarity breeds contempt. So learn to maintain a distance.
If you’ve come on too strong, all you can do is take a step back. It’s true that women usually need some time apart from you, after you met, to be able to truly fall for you. It’s in your absence that they fall in love.
74. Always have 3 female friends that you like to have around you.
Certainly won’t kill you.
75. Find out what she really wants. Tease her, step back and make her really want it before you give it to her. Make it fun.
That’s firting, and flirting is a must.
76. Learn how to make your conversations interesting for women. Remember she is not in search of a male girlfriend. But still be a fun dude she wants to hang out with. This will attract other women.
Yes, you don’t need to be a bore.
Excellent books on this topic are:
– (absolutely awful title, horrible cover, but a good book and not dirty at all…) Get inside her: Dirty Dating Tips & Secrets From A Woman, by Marni Kinrys
PS I’m sort of hoping the somewhat misogynistic undertone slipped into these laws because someone summarized them and threw them on the internet in this form, I’d have to listen through the original audio track to know for sure. As far as I remember these are the 77 laws as presented by David Deangelo. His website is www.daviddeangelo.com