Am writing to you live from one of the hippiest, yes hippiest, not hippest, cafe houses in the Czech Republic. Too layer on more smugness I will also state that my girlfriend, a blob of stress in a black dress at the moment, is the hottest girl in the building right now. The second hottest girl has just left. And it was my girlfriend pointing her out to me, hell yeah! And she’s not even a lesbian. You’re not right?

I have finished reading ‘the kick ass writer’ by Chuck Wendig. The title of his book isn’t a coincidence. This dude with his general Grant beard has a serious fetish for buttholes. And evil creatures laying eggs in your butthole.

If you can stomach that it’s also easily the funniest AND the best book on learning how to write ever. Though ‘the breakout novel’ by Donald Maas does supply the key ingredients of what makes a novel hit a lot of readers a bit more specifically. My advice? Read both books and shove all other books on writing up the asshole of a grammar nazi where they will leg eggs and fill his colon with purple prose.

Seriously though. Either WRITE your ass off or, failing that, go and read Chuck Wendig’s book on writing. If after finishing his book you still don’t go and burn your pants to settle down to write, write, write, SWITCH CAREERS. Writers write. Best without pants, yes, without pants, go ask Chuck why. Cover your ass while talking to this dude. And read his book.

Also, always read with one person in mind. When I blog I am actually pretending no one will ever read this shit, expect my wife. My wife who is crushing my left wrist out of stress. She has to defend her thesis in two hours.

When I write my philosophical porn novel I write with a hybrid cross of my wife and a girl named Carol in mind. Because my wife is a tad too catholic to perform the devious carnal acts that will follow in the novel.

Right, signing off. Have to go mop up the stress sweat my wife will spray all over campus. If she passes, I’ll write more. If she fails we’ll retreat from this harsh world and go breed goats in a German community in Bolivia where we won’t have internet. Wish her luck!