Woke up with the urge to kill myself. Had a nightmare about a work situation where I felt entirely powerless. Yesterday one of my ex employers (the biggest idiots ever) asked me if I didn’t want to work for them in a different department. They’ve completely lost it over there, can’t make up their minds about anything. Feelings of powerlessness are quite likely the main trigger behind my suicidal thoughts. That and the fact that both my father and grandfather jumped into Charon’s rowing boat out of their own accord. One shot himself through the heart, twice!, the other one did it in such a complicated way it looked like murder for a while (it most definitely wasn’t). They both offed themselves because they hated their jobs, that’s the shortest explanation anyway. That also explains why I get suicidal thoughts when I have job related dreams. I jumped out of bed, did push-ups, and quaffed from the black pond (=coffee) and sat down to write this. End intro.

How did I do yesterday?

Talked truly a lot of Slovak with my inlaws (the techical term, because they really feel more like real family). We talked about the Ukranian conflict, the Syrian conflict, Nato bombing of Lybia, Slovak literature, the relationship between Czechs and Slovaks (a favorite topic around here), book programmes and magazines, and in the evening we watched the Danish film ‘Brothers’ and had a long discussion about it afterwards. In between I read the French book on the American Civil War which is an excellent book, packed with details I haven’t heard yet. Not even after reading at least 95 books on the topic.

I have been experiencing mild pain in my right loin for weeks now. I have no idea what it could be. The area that hurts is not much bigger than a dot, like somebody is poking me with a knitting needle inside. I must confess I’m secretely hoping it’s cancer for which I would not seek any treatment. Which makes me wonder why I have this enthusiastic and determined self improvement project going on, but at the same time would love to die of natural causes. This seems to be a paradox, but it isn’t. I put so much pressure on myself, with the help of a very competitive society and lots of ambitious people around me, that dieing is my ‘only’ way out. I am a slave to my own ambition. And at the moment my hunger for achievement is at a point where I can still manage it. If, however, I would meet with my best friend my ambition would spin out of control and the suicidal thoughts would start peaking. This leads me to keeping my best friend out of my life. And leads me to write a post ‘my best friend is really my best enemy’.

For those who give a damn, I’m still alive, the sixth floor of this building doesn’t give me a sure fire lethal fall, though the windows have looked juicy at times. And I probably do not have terminal cancer, since my girlfriend says ‘you won’t be so lucky’. And so the self-improvement continues. Today’s goals:

-get the slovak version of Stratego and the version of the Settlers of Catan for two players. This will let me bond with my father in law even more. And will improve my slovak, which is giving me a competitive edge in the same world that drives me to suicide. (Note how my competitive impulses are linked to my suicidal impulses)

-keep reading the civil war book. I know I should have finished reading it ages ago, but the print is fairly small, it’s packed with information, it’s in French and over here I’m not in control of my schedule. Luckily all the time not spent reading, is spent writing or learning Slovak. I’m halfway through the book, underlining stuff on every page and when I’m done with it I have a Civil war book in Czech to continue with. Is it possible to feel extremely stupid and smart at the same time? Yes, it is. Try knowing eight or more languages (I always forget) and wake up every day not being an ambassador making 25.000 euro a month (yes, that’s what a Dutch ambassador makes, don’t know about other nations’ ambassadors).

-do so many push ups in so many different ways I’ll almost break a few tendons, twist a collar bone, etc.

-yesterday I have succesfully scratched out milk from my diet. Today I want to do the same with chocolate. I eat chocolate as a natural anti depressant, but I’m noticing the dose is growing, so I’m done with it. Have heightened the dose of Saint John’s worth to counterbalance this.

Thanks to my friend Dieter for trying to boost my libido by sending me those quotes about women explaining what it feels like to be horny. It reads like the best poetry ever, but it didn’t work. Which is sort of a relief because I’m sublimating my libidinous drive into my work. Historians suspect Hitler did the same, ow boy, …