Ok, the final straw is right around the corner now. There are some things in my life that have been bugging the hell out me for years now, in fact, more or less since 2007/2008.
What is bugging the crap out of me:
-that I can’t stop turning to books to improve my life. I don’t know where this habit bordering on superstition and plain madness comes from and I don’t even wish to know, but I want to eradicate this strange belief. Reading will NOT change my life. Only action will change my life. I want to take A LOT more action.
-the fact that I hide and chameleonize in most of my conversations. I used to see this chamelon side of me as a huge asset. But seriously, it’s only an asset if I can find employment as a spy or if I wish to spend my life as a spineless people pleaser. No and no. I want to be fucking honest and candid about what I think and where I stand, because chameleonizing has brought me to many places I don’t belong. One of the worst was a politically oriented sect… Never again!
-I want to get over my fear of administration and rules. This fear leads me to always fill in my taxes months and months too late. Makes me miss opportunities, is a major obstacle in setting up any official business, makes me miss out on subsidies and so on.
-the fact that I totally ignore visual aspects of just about anything. My wife has pointed this out to me. I don’t care how things look. This is so crucial that I could devote an entire blog post just to this one point. This has a very substantial impact on my life. Some examples: I totally ignore the way I look and as a result I look like crap. I hate my clothes, but I care so little about what things look like that I always forget to look for new ones. The design of my blogs are shitty. I don’t bother to take nice pictures, If you hand me a camera I’ll just click away. I’m even annoyed when I see photographers, that’s how little I care about what things look like. When I make a movie or a play the most ignored part is the visual aspect, I only care about what is said or whether the right feelings come across. Of course, both aspects (contents and feeling) would come across much better if I also devoted my attention to the visual aspect of the play or movie or blog or myself. So, I definitely want to change this and start caring about how I present things visually. If you’re not convinced I’m exasperated about this: I DEFINITELY WANT TO START CARING ABOUT HOW I PRESENT THINGS VISUALLY.
Ok, what else has been bugging me for far too long?
-the fact that I know full well that I absolutely need to go running every day, but don’t. I know a day with running is far better than a day without running, but I never go running any more. I always say my life turned to shit in 2007/2008 and I have ignored a pretty fucking obvious fact: that’s also the time I stopped running on a regular basis. Running makes my life better. It calms my brain, gives me more energy, makes my body feel light, boosts my confidence, inspiration and confidence and simply makes me feel good about myself. How the hell do I manage not to go running when I know all these things??? AAAAAAARGH!!!
-my income. I simply refuse to settle for an income of less than 4,000 euro a month. Not because I care about luxury, but damn it, that’s how much value I want to create. And, it’s handy to buy me the education to be even more valuable. AND enough money let’s you set up systems that bring you more money automatically and I like that. Nothing makes money like money. I know it’s possible and I feel stupid for not realizing it. Also, I enjoy being generous and such an income will allow be to be generous to a degree that I feel very comfortable with. Also: I want the financial breathing space to be able to invest in artistic projects.
-my height. Ow wait, I can’t change that.
-my penis size. Ow wait, I can’t change that either. Moving on, moving on, before I lose the last fringe of credibility…
-lying awake wondering why nobody reads my stuff. Seriously, when am I going to stop beating the crap out of myself, because, ow boohoo, I have less than 10 readers? I’ve read all the important writing manuals, I’ve tried lots of different styles and nothing seems to work. So, ok, fuck it. Writers write, so I write and perhaps I’ll stumble readerless to my grave, but then so be it, I do not want to waste my life feeling sorry for myself any more. I write, not because I’m read, I write because nothing has ever been able to stop me, not even me, not even a megalomanic individuality and freedom crushing sect.
-that I don’t do vlogs. I want to start making my own videos as of 2015, because blogging is starting to get obsolete…
-that I don’t experience the sort of flow in life that I do experience when I’m playing a strategy game. I want to be as good in life as I am at playing fairly intricate strategy games!
-unfavorably comparing myself to others. This has gotten so bad that I think daily about several people I’m very envious of. It has also estranged me from my best friend, to such an extent that it’s torture to be around him…
So, plenty of room to radically change my life, and as of 2015 I want to give you daily updates, not just through blogs, but also vlogs, on my progress or lack thereof, and this in ever more open and honest fashion.
Because the truth will set us free.