billy mackThe first half sucked big time. Until at least the end of October I was mostly suicidal, except for a brief spell during the summer when I was writing and organizing a play. I feel lots of resentment for the brainwashed people who were around me during the time I was suicidal and unconsciously triggered my suicidalness. For those who don’t know me: until half way 2014 I was the member of some obscure sect who have crazy and very secret ambitions about taking over the world and making a real life remake of the movie ‘the killing fields’. Sounds like I’m totally crazy right? Well, I wish I were. There are some pretty fucked up people out there who think they have the ‘truth’ and know the big fucking secret to making the world some sort of marxist wonderland where Disneyland gets turned into Gulagland. The best proof that I can give you that I’m a fairly normal human being is the fact that the sect kicked me out for being too much of an individual. (Quite a serious indictment in their worldview). And I even tried NOT to be an individual, so I have to face it, my individuality can not and will not be cured.

Anyway, the second half of 2014 was a lot better, even though my libido died in very mysterious circumstances. I don’t know who or what whacked it, but it’s gone, missing in action, vanished. That’s pretty fucking weird. It does open a lot of time slots that I used to ‘lose’ to sex. So hurray, RIP my libido, sic transit gloria mundi, no, no, no, I mean, sic semper tyrannis, yadeyayade, thank you and good night, moving on to less carnal delights of the ever refreshing human existence.

Other than being kicked out of a sect and losing my libido I’ve discovered I’m excellent therapist material, I have gotten lots and lots of proof that I make a great therapist and being good at therapy is also the only thing I’ll ever admit to be good at. I repeat: I’m a very good therapist. So that’s just wonderful, I mean, really, really, really wonderful. It’s about the best thing that’s happened to me since meeting my wife in 2011, whom I own so much to and who is truly the light of my life, even though in a lot of ways I seem to throw some shadows on hers. Did I mention that I’m far from perfect? Ok, here goes: I’m far from perfect and can seriously get on a person’s nerves.

Something else that has died in 2014, are most of my close friendships. Is it a sign of turning 30? Am I evolving? Is this the part of your life where you ditch your friends to go and breed children, those tiny bundles that we claim to love but are just the shock troops of our narcissism? Or is it just a coincidence? I don’t know. The fact is that a bunch of people I used to hang out with a lot and had a major ball with, have slipped away or been pushed away by me personally, I’m ashamed to admit. That’s probably why I’m writing this letter.

For the sake of completeness I should also mention that my love of music has died. I somehow see this as connected to the death of my libido, and I’m guessing something more general than my libido or love of music has died. But I can’t quite put my finger on it. Could it be that a part of me has died? And if so, did something come to fill its place?

I do see a huge increase in my interest in psychology, therapy and people’s challenges, mental life, etc. And I’ve become a much more caring person. Also: I have become a tad more practical about several things in my life. Whereas I used to be a totally chaotic person, I’ve seem to have developped a more action oriented attitude.

As you can see, 2014 was a pretty dull year. Nothing really major happened, expect for my decision to become a full-blown therapist with all the required credentials. Yes, yes, that’s a change too, I’ve started caring about credentials. Not other people’s credentials, because I still don’t give a rat’s ass what a piece of paper says about you, but I know other people value officialdom and credentials, and I want to put people at ease and show them credentials. When in Rome, do like the romans do, hey, savvy?

Anything else worth mentioning? I’ve decided to give, give, give. I no longer think about doing something just for the money, or about NOT doing something because there is no money involved. I just do whatever the fuck I enjoy doing. And that’s usually doing what I’m good at, plain and simple.

A breakthrough this year came in the form of my very detailed, very personalized rules for life. I’ve mentioned them before, you can even find a picture of them, but I’ll expatiate on them some other time.

All in all 2014 was pretty frigging dull, but pretty frigging dull is a huge improvement compared to the previous 6 years, which were just horrible in many different ways. And being suicidal only half of the time must make 2014 the best year since 2007. Yeah, baby!! Progress! It’s getting better, it’s getting better, all the time, you bet, you bet. I’m doing pretty ok. I’m going to live to be 105 years old and I’ll even manage to enjoy some of my time on this earth.

And, since you’re reading this, there’s a good chance I’ll be spending that fun time with you, so, hey, mate, nice of you to stop by, give me a call, would ya? We can meet up for a cup of coffee and I can dazzle you with all my energy and enthusiasm and incisive psychological insights and totally uncanny observations of my fellow human beings, not to mention my enchanting self effacing sarcastic self deprecating humor. SAY YES!

So, sayonara 2014, bye, bye, if you’ve taught me one thing it is to always, always, ALWAYS, be true to yourself. Oh, and that we always become our thoughts.

PS

Mayan calendar hoax people, you suck!!! If you make a promise you gotta deliver. I was quite enthuasiastic about seeing the world crumble into oblivion, I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, but hell, it’s been two years since that calendar ended, and nothing, no four riders of the apocalypse, nope, nothing, just business as usual. Oh, well, only 74 more years, I’ll manage, I’ll do fine, I’m ok, ok, ok. I’ve been to hell and back. And you know what, hell is like a normal day, only slightly more boring with a sauce that tastes like you’re redundant and expendable and unworthy and low grade. But if your mind rejects that sauce, there really isn’t any hell, there is no hell, it’s all good. We become what we think. We do, we do, we become what we think. The world is your canvas, your projection, so get ready for the ride, it’s you behind the wheel. So think positive things, o, let 2015 be one endless year of oceans of rosy positive things, let’s just float in positive clouds of honey thoughts. I get all warm and fuzzy inside already. Thank you and good night.

PPS I added a picture of Billy Mack in Love Actually, because, ow God, I like that character.