We had many things in common. Both private language tutors. Both some experience in journalism. Both looking for leverage. Sturm und Drang. Feverish Leistungsdruck. Something to amplify our need to matter in this world. Our backgrounds didn’t get us any leverage other than a fairly decent education. No rich family. No contacts. No influential network. We both lost our fathers in our twenties. Fathers who were not succesful the way our societies see success, but who went their own way, at least that. Both only children. When I see two siblings build a company I think: God damn, imagine if I have a dude tied to me by blood who’s equally ambitious, but makes up for my biggest weaknesses. Maybe that’s what I’ve always been looking for. A brother or sister in creation.

We both had a complex over not being the tallest. I can’t tell which one suffered more from it.

We both read books A to Z. A dying hobby.

We swapped books. A nearly dead hobby.

We talked honestly about women. About friends. About aspirations.

We had the same absurdist humor. Maybe because of some overlap in Flemish and Austrian thinking. Or maybe a product of being with one foot in the educated class and with one foot in the working class. It’s been called ‘angry young man’ syndrome. You end up belonging… nowhere.

So we were both looking for a haven where we would be treated on our merits.

I picked Slovakia for that. The strategy was thus: if as a western I master this obscure language of this overlooked, little known people I will be feted as some kind of super star. At best I got to be a mini star with some perks I would never have got if I had stayed in Belgium.

He ended up making a similar move.

But, my God, why the hell try this strategy with Israel right when it’s passionately enjoying one of the most disgusting genocides ever engineered?

When you embrace Israel and move there at a time like that, when Israelis are desperate to see at least some westerners choose their side it gets you a lot of advantages.

He got jobs, opportunities, girlfriends, instantly.

The same happened to me in Slovakia.

But Slovakia was not involved in a genocide, it was only involved in becoming an Instagram vibes flashy, non-violent hollowed out, burned out consumer hellhole with overpriced ski resorts and corruption so rampant it becomes background noise. No children being burned alive though. No babies being pepper sprayed by lunatic settlers. No physician being butt raped to death.

I can understand the need for leverage. The need to make a new for one’s self. The need to be good at multiple careers – a clear sign of hunger and persistent, haunting fear of not being enough. He went into all the fields I have dabbled in. Academia, teaching, journalism, diplomacy, interpreting…

When you’re scared the establishment will never accept you, you feel the need to bang on a lot of doors myself.

I won’t be surprised if one day he goes into psychotherapy training. He has the talent for it.

And that’s where choosing Israel becomes unforgiveable.

He has the empathy, he has the knowledge, he has the insight and STILL he moved there and enjoyed the fruit of that choice.

Somehow that overrode that:

– we laughed a lot, thanks to an abundance of absurd historical and cultural inside jokes, nearly impossible to reproduce with someone else
– enjoyed food together in many different restaurants and settings
– got at least a little tipsy together (I still drank rather heavily back then)
– I felt much calmer in his presence, exceptionally rare for me
– we played quite a few boardgames together
– I met his friends and he met mine
– he met my son
– he was thoughtful enough to bring me my favorite chocolate (no supermarket in Slovakia carries it)
– we shared a deep love for languages and words
– we are both allergic to most social media, he more consistently than me
– that he planned to kidnap me and bring me to an emergency ward at an Austrian hospital because I have mysterious chronic undiagnosed pain in my hip, like there’s a small piece of schrapnel in there. Since this started in December 2023 it could be phantom sympathy pain for Gaza combined with suppressed life force and fury trying to break out of my bones
– up until he sided with Israel we had plenty of acceptance for each other’s choices, aspirations, hobbies, views, etc
– we were atypical guys who could easily compliment each other
– he knew just about everything there is to know about me

I could make this a much longer list. I’d even add that in our tiny bubble we created a bit of European aliveness. We both agreed most of Europe has a mysterious deadness to it. We’ve never had it so good materially, we’ve never been so burned out spiritually.

And that is what he claimed to seek in Israel. He had had a brief relationship with an Israeli girl and she felt more alive to him than Austrians. If he hadn’t fell in love with her, he might never have moved there.

Again a strange overlap between us, because I’ve never felt more alive than when I fell in love with a Lebanese woman. And before that one of my most alive relationships was with an Iranian.

So I can’t say I don’t get that life is experienced more directly in those parts of the world than they are in spoilt, sleepy, directionless, but mostly very safe Europe. In Europe there’s little struggle. Not for survival, but not for aliveness either.

Evil feels alive. The forces fighting evil feel alive.

There is no doubt in my mind that the very good, very intelligent person I know as Markus sided with evil and I sided with the forces that fight evil. I have given this an INSANE amount of thought and have filled THREE manuscripts on this topic. (Gaza war stories, conversations with my enemy, the diary of Anan Farah…)

I’ve always feared I had it in me to be Albert Speer.

So needy for success I’d be ready to serve an evil master if he put the tools in my hands to let me amplify my creative output.

That would have tasted intoxicatingly good, but would have ruined me morally. I even think that when on trial later I’d have talked myself out of the hangman’s noose just like Albert Speer.

Never did I think that my deepest love and friendship would flow to an Albert Speer, mirror version of William.

It’s almost like I found a person to reenact Orry Maine’s and George Hazzard’s friendship in North and South with. A series that was like a magic spell to me as a kid.

Before I completely stop making sense I will tear some conclusion out of this ADHD fire storm:

I amputated one of the most meaningful friendships I ever had, because of a nation that specializes in producing amputee children.

And I honestly fear the main conclusion is that am just a very shitty, despotic, dictatorial person who expects everyone to behave within a range defined by me.

You know, I’ll shower you with love, attention, support, magical moments, stimulation, as long as I can tolerate you at the feast in my inner throne room.

That would mean I have more secret overlap with the evil Mephisto than with the eager servant.

I don’t need to crucify myself every day though.

If it doesn’t stop a grinning IDF retard from sniping a baby in the head, it may all be mere masturbatory effort.

PS

Instead of using a picture of Markus or a picture of Albert Speer I used a picture of two rockers who were in the same band, then became enemies.