I teach an insane number of classes. Yesterday I taught till 21.30.
When am not teaching my head is a mess. My thoughts are chaotic.
The dominant feeling is… hunger.
Hunger for more input, more excitement, something or someone that speaks to me. In a way that so absorbs me I finally get rid of this feeling of constant hunger and seeking.
But there is nothing and nobody like that. I listen to audiobooks and when am done listening I ask myself why I spent 20 hours listening to this.
I meet and work with so many people, but there is nobody that speaks to me. Nobody that puts balm on the sores. Nobody that opens a gate to a better place.
What I watch and read tastes like water and bread in a prison.
I overeat to fill the emotional void. Classic.
Apart from teaching and material for classes I am not productive. I have stopped working on books. I have stopped working out. I have stopped meeting people other than my students. If am going to make the effort to talk to someone I prefer being paid for my time.
Things and people used to speak to me. The struck a nerve. I was touched and I touched.
It’s my connection to this world is fading and what keeps drawing me back in is my son.
Other than that am just fetching money in my own less than perfect way and experiencing life as though clouded in a thick mist.
I prefer gray weather, because sunny days remind me that elsewhere there may be people with more excitement in their lives.