– They stop the relentless vocal bombardment in my head
– Maybe they keep me from even more destructive behavior. When I used to have access to cocaine and other substances the same thing happened as with coffee. A little bit too much is just enough for me. I mean, I am seriously addicted. My behavior meets all the criteria, but I think I have chosen addictions that SEEM harmless, and even seem to have a useful side to them, or may even have a moral halo to them (Documentaries!! Yeah!! About the saddest, most gut wrenching topics out there!!), but do a lot of damage in the long run as well. I mean, at this point I can’t even stand the sight of a kitchen knife anymore and when I see a train pass I automatically imagine either troop transports to the front or some Sonderzug taking captives to the gas chambers or certain death by starvation. It’s almost only seriously fucked up shit that makes me feel something other than my own usual shit.
– They make me forgot I live in a world that does not seem compatible with me. I shouldn’t say seem. It’s just the way it is. Am this hippie love child trapped in Neoliberalism and all the other hippies have corporate jobs now.
– They make me forget I live in a culture that is very different from who I am and they make me forget how I have adapted to be able to function (read: make money) in this society
– They make me forget disconnected and alienated I am
– They also blind me to the particularly unpleasant esthetics of my surroundings. They offer me an escape out of my world
– I am extremely sensitive and I feel every mood of every person I interact with intensely. It’s almost as if I feel everything they have been through wether I want to or not. These addictions give me a break from that. I mean, look at today. I taught classes from 9 am to 9.25 pm. I dealt with people with very different backgrounds, personalities and expectations and am always adapting and being Mr. Chameleon
– I put a lot of pressure on myself. I have this mechanism inside me that unless I reach certain things I basically feel devastated and practically unwilling to be alive. I know where that comes from, but I know this feeling will never go away. These addictions distract me from that, but also form a vicious cycle.
Since the root causes are never addressed and cannot be addressed I of course see my addictions morph into slightly different ones as soon as I think I have quit them.
The end result is that I am raaarely present in my own life and I have created an environment for myself where I manage to be on some other planet all of my own when am not working.
It’s a lonely planet – I don’t have anyone to share the addiction with, which would make it a thousand times juicier – , but I am sedated there.