I regularly call with my mum back home on Dead End Street.

Yesterday she told me a 35 year old guy killed himself. Because his girlfriend had left him. How romantic.

The week before it was the local hairdresser. A guy in his early forties. He hanged himself in the attic, but the paramedics pulled him through. His short term memory is gone. He thinks the year is 2010, not 2020. Why did he do it? No idea. According to my mum he wanted too much. Which am guessing is a sign he felt inadequate. These days feelings of inadequacy hidden behind a ridiculous vail of pretended superiority is to be expected.

Once during a two hour car ride my mum told me about 17 suicides that happened in my home town.

I can walk through town and point to a house where someone killed himself pretty much on every street.

What does that do with you?

I don’t know. I suppose everyone reacts differently to an environment like that.

In my case the result is that I am allergic to cheerful people.

What’s there to be cheerful about?

The world is full of people plagued and haunted by desires and needs that will never be fulfilled.

Cheerful people live in denial.

I tolerate cheerfulness when the cheerful person acknowledges his cheerfulness is a conscious form of self-hypnosis.

An other effect is that I seek out tales of misery and brutality because to me that feels like home.

The only disruptive element in this pattern is you. I don’t want you to grow up with this mentality and world view ruled by Tanatos. I will be tempted to tell you of every little shitty thing humanity has pulled off. But am biding my time. I would like you to have a care free childhood till you are about 14. After that it will become impossible to hide humanity’s dark side from you. And I don’t want you to grow up to be naive either.

One of my goals in this life is to make sure you escape this cycle of depression, decay, morbidity, cynicism, misanthropy and death.

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