One day in September 2005 a new house mate came knocking on my door to ask for directions to the nearest Carrefour store.
It was love at the very first second. I was blown away by her immediately. She had black hair, blue eyes, a kind of bigger, slightly hooked nose. There was something upbeat about her, something balsy, I appreciated how direct she was. Later she would tell me she was certain we would have sex the first second she saw me, because of the way I looked at her.
I was completely inexperienced and it was only much later that I understood why I was so attracted to her.
In bed she was dominant. She was demanding and I felt like I had to work to please her. Being an insecure narcissist this is the perfect sexual recipe for me. To perform and then to get the applause. I have looked for it everywhere, but I have never found this combination of my attraction to a woman plus her dominance. Either they are dominant but am not attracted, or I find them physically attractive but they are simply not dominant, and usually very clumsy on top of that. She was the only one with whom I have every had a full body orgasm. Something that is normally not within reach of a narcissist, because this sort of orgasm requires a surrender. A narcissist’s orgasm is limited to relieving some tension in the penis and balls, but it’s not a merging with that other person. A narcissist doesn’t lose himself in the orgasm, since he has to be always in control.
My narcissism was most pleased in the bedroom, but less outside of it. Being a borderline narcissist I have always looked for the so called ‘trophee wife’. I could never be with someone that does not impress others. I know this is sick, but so far I haven’t been able to change this and maybe I never will.
People, especially other women, were impressed by her, but she hated affected, inauthentic behaviour and to be in the center of attention. I couldn’t use her as my trophee. Not enough anyway.
So I ruined the best sexual relationship I have ever had by swapping her for a woman that fitted the profile of trophee wife much more.
She liked attention, she was tall, she had giant breasts – I don’t like big breasts, but it got us attention -, she was loud, she loved to party and she was considered ‘hot’ in the circles we moved around in. Also, she had a wild, almost insatiable libido. She wasn’t dominant, but our sexual relationship was fairly good. She’s probably one of the very few women with whom I sort of enjoyed having the dominant role.
We both like to show off, we liked to throw our sexuality in everyone’s face. In my narcissist ego trip I imagined us as Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain. We had a similar relationship dynamic. Except that I suspect I treated her a lot worse than Kurt treated Courtney. The whole time I kept longing for my previous girlfriend. The relationship ended because she wanted to regain her ‘innocence’. I suppose she got sick of all the deviant craziness we indulged in. And I am sure she knew I lied about a lot of things. In the end she said she had created a monster.
The third time I found a different sort of trophee wife. Iranian, exotic, freakishly intelligent, a physician. Like a Disney princess straight out of Alladin. Looking back now I realize that even when I do have a trophee wife it does not compensate for the hollowness, the narcissistic desire for power and fame, the pain, or past humiliations and ego bruises. At times it’s a patch. She was very supportive I must say and she, like the others, got me a lot of self-insight. The relationship ended when I got tired of her parents’ constant bashing of me for not being good enough for their daughter. Looking back I see them as the external embodiment of my inner negative self-depreciating voice. The actions I took in this relationship also betray a worrisome lack of prioritizing myself.
The fourth time around I fell in love with a beacon of peace. A beautiful one, of course. Slovak. At the time, with my experience of often unattractive Belgian women in mind, I thought she was the most beautiful, most sexy woman ever. For a change she was mentally healthy. All the others had some pent-up anger inside, for various reasons. The only problem is that she is not dominant, certainly doesn’t like attention or provocative clothing and in general doesn’t really enjoy networking. Meaning: I can’t use her as a crutch to draw attention to myself. This greatly diminishes my sexual attraction to her. Since I have so much insight into my own motivations I don’t feel like abondoning an otherwise smoothly running relationship.
I fell in love twice more after her. Every time with a dominant woman. Very cold women. But beautiful and dressed in a way that makes them stand out. Both of them very much in control at work. Although they are both lonely, they deny their own feelings. Both of them highly sexual, but dormant, repressed, unsatisfied. Both of them ignoring their own needs. Both of them quite narcissistic, but not pathological like myself. Both fairly intelligent and knowledgeable. Both of them quite exotic. Both of them expecting to get a lot without giving much in return.
The perfect challenge for me, who wants to suffer and work for them as long I get praise afterwards. Plus my confidence concerning sexuality makes me sure I will be able to break through their shield around their repressed sexuality and lead them into orgastic heaven. Ideal trophee wives. The ideal women to give me the feeling I am major league accomplished if I get to make these distant, demanding, narcissistic, repressed women happy. I believe I had genuine love only for one of these two women. Probably because I feel she is truly a good person.
I believe everyone who falls in love is mainly trying to compensate for some lack, is trying to use the object of their affection as an ego crutch, so this doesn’t make me an exception. (am guessing my form of masochist narcissism isn’t quite common though).
At present I am wondering if this can ever be changed and how to change it. Because if I don’t change it I will in six months to a year fall in love with another woman who qualifies as a challenge worthy to bleed for in the hopes of getting a metaphorical medal from her for doing such an outstanding job in making her, Miss Difficult to Please, happy.