Women need intimacy to get to sex, men need sex to get to intimacy. These opposite approaches to intimacy create most of the sexual dissonance between men and women.

Shocking secret: under the right circumstances most women are as open to sex as men, perhaps even much more so. Yes, there’s plenty of research to back up that claim. If your girlfriend is rarely in the mood for sex there can be larger issues at play, like

  • There’s no emotional connection between you
  • You ignore her during the day and only give her attention when you feel like having sex
  • Your personal hygiene is a disaster
  • You are lousy in bed
  • She has someone else
  • She’s mad at you for something
  • She’s depressed
  • She’s incredibly stressed
  • She has some health issues
  • She happens to go through a period during which she’s not in the mood
  • She doesn’t feel sexy and attractive and therefore doesn’t feel comfortable during sex
  • She’s experienced something traumatic
  • She’s thinking of breaking up with you
  • She’s too shy to initiate sex
  • She has some religious restraint
  • She feels uncomfortable because her parents are in the next room
  • You don’t have enough privacy
  • You are not creating the right circumstances
  • Any combination of the above

Some very basic things you can do to help her get in the mood

  • You need to touch her at least ten times during the day, but here’s the key: these touches need to be loving and non-sexual. You’re best adviced not to actually count these, especially not out loud or to keep a scoreboard around the house to keep track of your loving touches. Also please don’t create an app to calculate your loving touches monthly average. Just make sure you lovingly touch her during the day, without a sexual intent.
  • Women don’t have an on and off switch. You create the mood for sex from the moment you wake up till the moment you go to bed. If she’s not already wet before you take off her panties, you are definitely doing it wrong. You can’t ignore her the entire day and then pounce on her when you feel like it.
  • Focus on using your hands and mouth, and much less on penetration. Before you ever go near her most intimate parts, makes sure you’ve given lots of attention to all her other parts. Using your mouth also means: communicate!
  • Surprise her during the day with tiny gifts or little surprises and notes you hide away in her coat, bag, laptop. Perhaps the most fundamental prerequisites to create the right mood are: playfulness plus showing you really treasure her. Tease her and value her.
  • Reduce her level of stress. Do things for her. Arrange some practical stuff. Take the lead. Make her feel safe, take some worries off her back. Listen to how her day has been in detail, without trying to solve any of her problems. Just listen and show you’re really listening.
  • Make her feel beautiful. Make her feel you love the way she looks. If she’s feeling bad about her looks, her mood will drop way, way below zero…
  • Give her 5 compliments for every point of criticism. But don’t overdo, don’t give her more than 13 compliments for every point of criticism, because you’ll lose all credibility. The point being: genuinely support her growth. For a look at the ratios mentioned here, read Flourish by Martin Seligman.
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