“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” ~ Michael Jordan

1.

I think one of the worst ‘seduction tactics’ I ever tried myself was sending the lady of my fancy two brand new tooth brushes in a big brown enveloppe. And I only had her work address… One red, one blue. As if to suggest we would wake up one day together, stay over at each other’s place, and be in need of tooth brushes, to brush the romantic breakfast in bed away. Although we went out to have dinner twice later she never ever commented on that ‘gesture’. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and I ask if she ever got the tooth brushes. She said she never received mail at work and that they had probably ended up in some office where they collect the mail, but she never went there, because nobody ever sent her mail, certainly not tooth brushes. I think if she had wanted to she could easily have acccused me of harassment and I might have pleaded temporary insanity, which was kinda true, because I was in love. And no, the tactic did not work. And I hope she didn’t interpret it as me suggesting she needed to improve her dental hygiene, because I didn’t include a note. Not sure why she went out with me after that. Think she had quite a lot of sympathy for insane people.

 

2.

 

Poems. Ow God, the seduction of choice for the insecure geek. Never worked. Except with my wife, who politely asked me not to write her any poetry anymore and that she preferred the regular dating process involving coffee.

Once I ended up in a bar with 5 English girls and I slipped a poem under their hotel room during the night. The next day they wrote me a poem back. I still have it somewhere. It’s about 12 years old. Odd thing: the only one who did not work on the poem was the one who I had addressed it too…. Best proof that this does not work.

3.

Tying teddybears to the door knob of a girl’s dormitory room. Looks romantic until you realize it seems like you are executing teddybears by hanging.

It gets kinda expensive as well, if you do this a lot.

4.

Putting your room full of candles, like at least 100 of them, inviting the girl up, kneeling down in front of her and telling her you’re in love with her.

Hint: if she leaves the room immediately it’s not because she is afraid the candles will cause a fire.

5.

An even worse variation of option 2.

Sneaking into a packed auditorium at university, grabbing the microphone and reading your poem for the girl out loud.

Important here: if you do decide to be this much of a kamikaze romantic, check if the girl you wrote the poem for is actually in the room. Don’t make the same rookie mistake I made.

And sorry, Annelies, I owe you a public reading of a poem, this time with you present, although I think you’re quite happy this particular chalice passed you by.

6.

Writing a play, putting a lot of kissing scenes in, casting yourself as the lead, and then going out and asking all attractive women you meet if they would like to act in your play.

The pros: it works, you get to kiss with the actress you cast. You do find the motivation to write a play in record time.

The downside: you cannot begin to imagine how much works this takes… I think in today’s climate it can land your ass in jail.

Am not making any of this up by the way, in the picture above you can see me kissing the actress. I would like to apologize to her. I hope she enjoyed being in the play…

Ok, ok, I did not write an entire play just so I could get to kiss a girl.

But I kinda did write a play to have an excuse to walk up to pretty girls and get to know them. Talk of ‘indirect game’… Wish I had known about ‘direct game’ back then. So much more straightforward and no week’s time required to hammer out a play that even ten years later you still can’t explain to anyone who likes a consistent plot structure…

7.

Asking the girl’s best (female) friend to do all in her power to make her fall in love with you.

Weird thing: the girl you fancy couldn’t care less, but her best friend ends up dating you, because of the bond you create when she’s your go between. Kinda nice, but not what you aimed for.

8.

Trying to use the effects of number 7 to your own advantage. Instead of asking the best friend of your ‘target girl’ to play cupid for you, you ask your ‘target girl’ to set you up with her best friend.

The logic escapes me, but AGAIN you end up dating the best friend of your target girl and not your target girl.

Conclusion: always totally ignore the best friend of your ‘target girl’.

9.

Never call your ‘target girl’ ‘my target girl’ to her face. Totally creeps her out.

10.

Never.

Ever.

Under.

No.

Circumstances.

Whatsoever.

Pay.

The waiters.

To.

Sing.

For.

Her.